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Dear Breakup Girl,

Twice it happened that I needed to be hugged and comforted by my boyfriend, with whom I lived with and shared the same bed for 10 months. He would not do it because he said I was being irrational and childish so he ignored me and it made me feel quite unloved.

Many times as we walked together or went out to the movies or dinner, he would fly away in his mind and have a blank look in his eyes. Every time I would ask him about it or aked him if he was bored or if he wanted to be alone he said no.

Then we would arrive home and he would call his female friend and speak to her quite vividly and even I must say with a sexy hushed voice, in front of me after ignoring me most of the day.

Needless to say we broke up after I told him that I was tired of having a corpse as a boyfriend. I also told him that I needed to be touched and hugged and that I would accept the come-ons from other men.

He told me he couldn´t pay attention to me anymore because he has a life of his own to think about and that for him being successful and having recognition is more important on his list right now.

I realize that the man I fell in love with disappeared. He used to be very attentive, romantic, poetic and sensible to my needs. Many times I would leave the house angry to think about things we had fought over and would return hopeful to find the man I lost.

My main problem is that I moved to another country to be with him and make our dream relationship come true. ( I had met him a year before and we had a long distance relationship where wonderful phone calls, letters, e-mails, poetry and the works circulated in abundance, so in total I´ve had a 7 month long-distance thing and a 10 month close-up thing, the latter containing the most fights and tension.)

I currently work at a place which is very satisfying for me but it doesn´t pay me enough to meet all my expenses.

He says he will help me pay for my own apartment but I don´t know whether to believe the same person who promised many other things which he has forgotten now. He has no job, his mother supports him and she lived with us in the same house. I'm assuming she will be footing the bill of my apartment. Do I talk it over with her instead? Or do I start packing my bags back to the U.S. (which I really don´t want to do. I really like it here at the moment.)?

You may be wondering why I accepted to live with a guy who is still living with his mother (and yes I am four years older than him), I thought I should approach the situation with an open mind. His mother has never been a problem as far as I know, but I must say that she does have a lot of control over him financially. It´s intersting to note that my ex-boyfriend would complain a lot about how she would abandon him as a child when she was at work. I can see where the roots in his behavior come from.

I don´t think I love him anymore, not after the way he has treated me, but I do care about him enough to maybe let him know my perception of the neglect. I am still living in the same house and both of them are out of town. So it's just me and the cat. But I need a place of my own soon. What do I do?

-- Naive Girl

Dear Naive,

If Partner 1 says, "I need a hug, please," "No, you don't" is NEVER the right answer, unless Partner 2 is smack in the middle of the State of the Union address. I am totally sorry that you packed up your life only to find out that the person you did it is interested only in his own.

But NG, you have painted yourself and that cat into a teeny corner. In a house where you don't want to be, in a country that is not home. Because you're telling me that you need to move but you can't, that your boyfriend will pay but he won't. Perhaps it's time to march up to your boss and say "I need a raise, please." (Note: do not explain that you need it, explain that you deserve it.) Even if he/she says "No, you don't," it's time to make a plan. Figure out what you'll need, what you'll have to save to get it, and how. Or go home. The only thing stopping you from coming back to the adopted country you love -- when you're back on your feet and supporting yourself -- is not leaving now. You might not have been able to make your "dream relationship come true" this time around, but you have way more power in this matter than you think. Yes, you do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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