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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 38, she's 24. I'm from a small-town in the mid-west, she's from the big city. I thought basically she was this innocent thing, now I find out the worst: she used to work for an escort service and has really been around. When we make love, I have visions of other men doing the worst to her. I'm haunted by her past. Why can't I just let her past lie? Do you think I'll get over this, or should I throw in the towel now and save us both the trouble?

-- Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Oooh, does she know what "the thing with the cup" is? (See page 228 of Tom Wolfe's A Man in Full, or, for the Cliffs Notes, page 26 of the January 25 New Yorker.)

Okay, seriously. Here's the thing. We all know that BG is not a big fan of what's known as the Madonna/Whore Complex (that's Madonna as in Virgin, not Like A): the age-old Good Girl/Bad Girl either-or double standard that doesn't give women a whole lot of breathing room. And let's just say that as complexes go, this is a big sprawling eco-unfriendly one that's just gone up in the untouched conservation land that was your relationship.

But to be fair, don't we all secretly sort of wish our partners had been with no one before us (yet somehow were also non-clueless about being in a relationship)? Don't we all get a little "How dare you date them before you knew I existed?" Sure. And in your case, the "them" is a lot of guys. Who paid her. So.

Yes, the oldest profession (even when it's called "escort") is, "Society"-wise, not the most respected. So yes, when it comes to her past, you've got a much bigger helping of Ick. I understand that. BUT. Lots of people -- at least fantasy-wise -- are into the "Okay, now you're the hooker" thing. And -- way more important -- lots of people have equally huge issues about the folks their partners actually, deeply loved. Not, um, just worked for. See? So it's up to you to tease out precisely why her past threatens your present and future together. If you feel that your girlfriends must be "pure," okay, but why? Do you feel like you missed a chance to, like, retro-protect her? Are you bummed because you feel duped? Do you feel like just another john? You tell me. And remember: these feelings are all normal and allowed, but they have nothing to do with the real thing: Are you good and sweet to each other? Do you love and respect who each other is now? Can you even talk honestly about all this stuff? If the answer to these questions is yes, then make extra sure to try and explore the others -- searching your soul may temper your opinion of hers and may help those "visions" blur. Look, your discomfort with her past may not go away completely, but that doesn't mean you have to. Relationships, like women, are not either-or.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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