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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 17 year old girl who has this annoying problem with boys. It seems as though whoever I talk to, or give attention to, immediately assumes that I like them as more than friends/associates. What gives? I'm not flirtatious (at least I don't think so), or a flashy attention seeker. I'm actually quiet, reserved and shy. I'm a friendly person but it gets me very uncomfortable when boys start liking me just because of such a small fragment of my attention is directed towards them. I'm thinking I should just drop this whole friendly business and just be cold. But I've tried and it's just not me! I hate turning them down and I'm definitely not good at it. Usually afterwards, I feel dumb, he feels dumb, and it's just icky. Bam, no more friendship because we're both terribly embarrassed. Sometimes they actually don't like me very much after the rejection because they feel like I've led them on. Errr!!

But I so haven't! What distinguishes flirty from just regular chit chat? Why do guys always misinterpret my totally platonic friendly behaviour? This thing has only started maybe last year and already it's getting on my nerves.

Also, I've never had a boyfriend and I'm scared to because of all these complications. Already these minor itty bitty things are poking their heads into my life now; I can't imagine them being full blown-real boyfriend stuff. Please shed some light.

-- Friend Girl

Dear Friend Girl,

Hey, try this one on: they like you because they like you, not because of the way you're flirting or not flirting. Because you're neither a shrinking violet nor an intimidating wo-mandroid nor an irritating clueless "Hi, Bobby! Were you hiding from me?" type gal. Because you're naturally nice and cool and fun and sweet and accessible. So there.

So maybe the only attitude that needs adjusting is your idea of "rejection." Why does it have to be such a massive mortifying deal? All you have to say are those three magic little words: "Oh! No thanks." Plus a sincere smile (i.e. without running tongue over teeth, etc.). You don't owe anyone any explanation or angst. If these boys feel dumb afterwards, that's because, humans feel dumb when they're rejected. Not because of anything you did. If they accuse you of leading them on -- unless there's something you're not telling me -- they're just getting defensive. Egos do that.

But I'd suggest, Friend Girl, that once in a while you say yes. True, you might not have flirted first, or intended to. But once you get out on an actual date with a cute boy you'd never thought of "that way" until he asked you, you might want to start.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS There's also an interesting article on flirting, y'all, in the January/February issue of Psychology Today.

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