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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have had a crush on a friend of mine for the past year, but I never thought anything would come of it. I always thought about us in an "us" sense, and always thought that a real relationship between was the next logical step in our friendship. Well, a few weeks ago, my dreams were temporarily realized. I came home that night after a great night with some friends to find this friend sleeping in my bed. "My roommate's with her boyfriend, so I decided to come stay here," she said. One thing I might add: her roommate's boyfriend happens to be my roommate, and we made an arrangement that if one of our rooms was "occupied" that we could go sleep in the other's rooms. We ended up staying up and talking all night, and one thing we talked about was relationships. We were both sick of the random hooking-up that seemed to be prevalent on our campus and both were looking for something more real than that. Well, as the night progressed, we ended up sleeping together and spending much of the night in awe of one another, because it was something we had both been waiting for for so long.

The next day, I was in ecstasy. I really thought that this might be the start of something great, and I had finally found someone with whom I could be happy, and she wasn't frighteningly insane, as are most women of my age. That night, she says to me, "We have to talk." Thank God, I thought. We walk into my room, and the first thing she asks is, "Do you want a relationship?" "Yes" was my immediate response. Bad move. She declined. For reasons unknown, she was suddenly scared by the prospect of a relationship with me and said that friendship was preferable to a relationship with me. I was cool with that, because we are such good friends, but heartbroken at the same time.

Now, I am stuck in a situation where I want to tell her how I feel about her, but she has made it clear that a relationship is not what she wants from me. What do I do?

-- Eli

Dear Eli,

Rats. Well, Eli, I have to say that basically, what "I'm sick of random hookups and am looking for something real" means is that you are about to hook up, not necessarily that you are about to have a relationship. And it sounds to me that when it comes to words like "relationship" and "real," you two have different working definitions. When she said "real," I guess she didn't mean "committed, monogamous." She meant, "I am eventually looking for something committed and monogamous. But in the meantime, I, unlike my roommate, am lonely and hot/'bothered, and I would like to snuggle with someone tonight for whom I have 'real' feelings -- as opposed to Coors Lite-blurred vision."

I also think that you didn't, like, scare her or make a bad move when you talked. What if you had said, "No, I don't want a relationship with you?" She would have said, "Oh good, me either." At that time, "no relationship" was her agenda, no matter what you said. Don't worry about that particular scenario.

But, alas, she may not LIKElike you right now. Can you stand pretending that you don't LIKElike her? Because you are entitled to see less of her (not to mention break off bed-swapping privileges). No big drama, just tell her -- if you want -- that you're not up for it right now, and that you would like a bit of a detour so that you can get the distance you need in order to swing back and be friends again. And actually, that -- as opposed to your "we have to talk" talk -- is where the reverse psychology may work its magic, where she may have the chance to come to her "us" senses.

And in the meantime, Eli, avoid -- no matter what evidence you think you have to the contrary -- pegging "most women" your age as "frighteningly insane." This attitude/conclusion may help to explain some of your past experiences, but it, for sure, is not "real" (and you will find that as babe magnets go, it is not the most powerful).

Love,
Breakup Girl

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