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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was dumped by this guy that I thought I would marry someday, and we would have this perfect life, etc. Unfortunately, because things did not turn out the way I expected, and it turned out he was a self-centered jerk, I was crushed. I had been getting over this for a couple of years (I really thought the ex was the love of my life), when another man came into my life.

He was not like my old boyfriend at all, and I loved that, and we got along great and had fun together and all the good things that goes along with a healthy relationship.

There is one small problem, though, and I do mean small. He is not very well endowed--in fact, he is not even average. This did not bother me because I figured it wasn't the size that mattered, but how it is used. Plus, this guy is so perfect in every other way. He does not use what he has very well at all, and I even have tried to talk to him about this so that we can spice things up. He told he that he does not go for that, and I am used to a boyfriend who wants to try everything and anything. This is really a become an issue with me. I love this guy, but I cannot see myself having sex with him for a long time to come because I am already getting bored with him in that way, which is turning me off in a thousand other ways too.

What should I do here? I do love him a lot, so should this even matter? I do not want to break up with him over this because it is so incredibly shallow, but I need some excitement in our relationship. I need some help here because I never thought I would love again after the last relationship. Now, I have found it, but the problem keeps me from thinking that this is going to be for a long time.

-- Staci

Dear Staci,

First of all -- in the context you've described -- size isn't shallow. I mean, sexual hots alone are not enough to carry the day/night forever, but they are essential -- in some form -- to romantic relationships. Otherwise, there'd be no difference between our dear friends/interns and our lovers.

And yes, you do make the correct case for, well, the motion of the ocean. But even that's not strictly about, like, Technique. As I've said before, it's not that you're unsatisfied when your partner is small ("small"). It's that you're unsatisfied when your partner act small.

But actually, this one's not shallow because there's a, um, bigger issue here. The size problem here is that of his will to buckle down and work this one out.

And have you (icky expression ahead) created the space for it? Since you consider this concern shallow/superficial, then I'm worried that your discussion thereof may have been, too. Have you really laid things on the line in an honest, specific yet non-threatening way? Have you asked what kinds of spicier stuff he would be up for? Like, if not handcuffs, okay, then maybe the Starr report? Seriously. And listen, it's normal for this stuff to be tough to talk about, not to mention improve. But you both have to be game. If not for staged readings of Nancy Friday, then at least for an adult, mutual discussion of where to go from here. Try a book (I can probably recommend some good experts if you want); try a professional. And let me know what happens. I mean, in general.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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