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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been in a relationship with this girl for over five years. We've lived together for a year and everything was leading to marriage. But over time, the flame became a flicker, and the moments we spend together between school and work can be described as pugilistic at best. On my side, the attraction is gone and I'm ready to move on. She, however, believes everything is fixable and gets angry, even violent to me or herself, if I mention going our separate ways. I went to her once and told her I wanted to move out. She argued and physically stood in my way when I tried to leave. I'm going to tell her I want to move out, but I don't want to literally push her out of my way. (Mom told me never to hurt a female.) When I tried this before, she stood in my way and we argued for hours until I was so exhausted I said, "Never mind," and went to bed. I want to enjoy my own life again, but I don't want to hurt her mentally or physically. What can I do?

-- Apt. 510

Dear 510,

Of course you don't want to hurt her. Mom raised you right (I assume she didn't recommend hurting males or animals, though). And it sounds like you're worried that even if you hurt her only emotionally (which, this being about a breakup, yo, seems pretty much a given) she may hurt herself physically. Which is a valid and important concern ... but not necessarily an event that you can directly control.

So none of this means that it serves anyone for you to remain a prisoner in your pad. If it's only "moments" you spend together, then leave when she's not there. Sounds like a big fat obvious -- not to mention harsh -- Duh, but if someone who uses "duh" in everyday conversation has to spell that out to someone who uses the word "pugilistic" in everyday conversation, then there's something else keeping you there. I don't know what. Self-flagellation? Codependency? You don't need to look that stuff up; you tell me. Remember, when you dump someone, you need to try to cushion the blow, but you don't need to get them to agree. That's Camp David, not Apt. 510. Walk, then talk.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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