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Dear Breakup Girl,

I am an 18-year-old, intelligent female. I wasn't so smart last year though, when I fell head over heels for a certain teacher of mine. I know this sounds bad, but I like the idea of trying to seduce him and become his "mistress." Help me get over this. I'm in college now so I don't see him often, yet I'm still obsessing. I'd feel better if I could get some step- by-step objective advice so maybe someday, far in the future, I can actually have a normal, happy, healthy relationship with someone my own age.

-- Applepicker

Dear Applepicker,

Okay, college girl, Belleruth has some essay questions for you:

How, exactly, is Mr. Don't Stand So Close To Me interfering with your life, now? Did you two actually, like, get together? Do you not date guys your own age? Did you ever? Why not? Are you scared of them? Did you ever? Have you idealized this guy in particular, or is there something compelling for you about of toppling a male authority, leveling the playing field by exercising the power of your sexuality? And what are you not getting out of your college experience -- intellectual challenge, positive platonic role models, friends -- that might be making it hard for you to really exit the hallowed halls of Mistress High? Talk to someone there about improving your quality of life on campus now -- and take a closer look at what might be stopping you from doing that; that's the first step toward giving up old extra-curriculars.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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