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I'D LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY...

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was never previously a very emotional person. I was never very close to people in my life... not by choice, or because of my personality... purely circumstantial. I met her four years ago and it wasn't "love at first sight" or anything obnoxious like that. She was just another girl to me at the time, and the only reason we got together at all was raging hormones. We liked each other so much that arelationship followed. Years went by and I don't know what happened inside me, but whatever it was -- it was so beautiful. Yet now it is so crippling.

The love I feel now, and have felt for her in the past is so very potent. It stormed that day... the day when she decided that despite the fact that she loved me, our relationship wasn't "the right thing." It stormed *all* day. A very miserable day in all aspects. That day was the last time I ever saw her. The last time I ever touched her. I hugged her more tightlythan I have ever. I took my last breaths of her hair, her skin, her beautiful face.I felt so helpless. I couldn't do anything but tell her how much I loved her, and tried to convey that the word "love" in my context meant so much more.

But I couldn't stay forever. She insisted that the book of our relationship must close. I had to leave.I walked backwards to the car, cherishing every lastglimpse of her that I could catch.The emotions to follow were too much to handle. I vomited for weeks. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't live.

Friends tried to help me out. Telling me that everything would be okay eventually. "You're a very good-looking guy. You could have anyone you want. Don't worry you'll find someone else, and you will love again, and your ex will just be a memory. The pain goes away." I tried to have faith in them. And to this day I amstill trying to take their advice the best I can. Do they know? Do they know how strongly I feel? Their relationships always had something terribly dysfunctional about them. They've never been ina relationship that was so bright and burned so long-- then just went off like a switch. Such a sudden change of heart. Do they really know?

Months go by and I am barely living each day. I go to the internet and browse "breakupgirl.net". I read every article... trying to find an answer. So many people. All with their hearts so broken... yet to them it almost seems like a game... or as if love is more of an addiction than a real emotion. I occupy my time now. I work, I play, I do everything I can to numb the pain. I think too much. I am always immersed in thought. These thoughts are my private hell. I talk to her in my head. I close my eyes and I see her next to me. How could the source of so much happiness also be the source of so much pain?

I've done everything by the book. I got rid of all reminders of her... her pictures, her birthday presents. I even erased her phone number out of my phone book. I don't talk to her. I don't see her. I don't write to her. She is no longer a physical part of my life... yet she invades my heart and my subconscious. I have dated many girls since then. All very nice and attractive girls. Intelligent and funny and everything I want in a companion... but she haunts me. I can't kiss another woman without feeling her presence in there somewhere. I can't hug another woman without feeling like I am in her arms. These feelings I have... they are a curse. I can't be with another woman until I stop.. loving. Can I do that? Is it a matter of willpower? Is it a matter of time? If true love never dies then I am condemned to a life of loneliness.

Since that stormy day I have lived day to day "healing"... yet my feelings have not changed at all. The love is still there... just as strong. And with all of that pent up love is an equal serving of pure pain. When one has this much love inside them, they need to get it out. How am I to express these strong feelings when the only one who can receive them is her?

Does she know? I've told her how I feel. But, does she even realize what it's like for me? Does she know what I would give up for her? Does she know what I *have* given up for her? It's been so long and I can't get her out of my system. What do I do with all of these feelings?

What advice to you give to someone who *cannot* "move on"... who is absolutely incapable of it because the love he feels is that of a friend, a father, a brother, and a lover combined... and so much more. I've learned so much about myself... yet I have progressed so little. And it's been so long that I cannot let others know that I still dream about her so. They would only get angry and tell me to "stop dwelling." I know "getting her back" is the wrong thing to be thinking... yet it happens to people anyways. Will she come back to me? Is there anything I can do to help the process along?

Oh God why me... I know what love is. I now *know* exactly what love is. It is more real to me than anything in this world.

-- God, I truly do love you QT forever and ever

Dear QT Lover,

Oh, sweetie. What can I say? You have done everything by the book -- purging, dating, working, reading breakupgirl.net -- so all I can suggest is this: there's some reading comprehension missing. This love is more real to you than anything in this world. That, my dear, is the problem. To wit:

1. Perspective. Your letter, as sincere as I KNOW it is, carries more than a trace of But-I'm-Different-itis. Let me assure you -- as profound as your feelings are -- you did not somehow experience a deeper truer realer love than the other lost souls who find themselves here. Asserting that your case is an exception -- that They Don't Understand -- is an excellent way to "cannot move on."

2. The rest of your life. You say you work, you play, you occupy your time. Your time, yes: but your mind? What is or is not present in your life from which private-hell-time with QT distracts you? Look there, not behind your closed eyelids.

3.. Self-awareness. On a related note: what are you getting out of not moving on? Sounds perverse, but hey, that's what humans do. At some level, you're getting an unmarked-bills, under-the-table payoff for staying mired, and that's why you're staying. What could it be? That loneliness is lower-maintenance company than actual heart-guests? That being bereft is a great way to justify not redoing your resume and taking on the terrifying task of for a job you love? That you just thrive on the drama? I honestly don't know. But if you can try to figure out what this perverse payoff is, you might start seeing that the bills are counterfeit. And that is a serious start. Be strong.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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