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Dear Breakup Girl,

I happened to be searching "break up" after I recently parted with my live in boyfriend of 1 year and happened across your wonderful site. It's good to see that everyone around the world can share in their experiences and help each other out.

Anyway...As you can see I did recently have a split, packing up house, etc. We parted on good terms. Honestly, though, I was probably over him a few months before that, but I may be leaving town next year, and it just seemed "easier" to stay (I know, bad call) -- and he eventually initiated the breakup. It had already been a couple of months that I had begun dreaming about my first love quite regularly, which began to flow over to real life, meaning I thought about him constantly and longed to be with him.

We had first gotten together when we were 15 and had a very intense relationship for two people of that age. At times it was also very turbulent. We lost our virginity together and after a year and a half I ended it permanently (or so I thought)as my life seemed to revolve around him and I honestly thought that I was too young to be doing this. A couple of relationships later we did get back together for a while and to be honest I don't remember a lot about it as it was about six years ago; we parted on good terms, saying that we had a lot to experience before settling down, etc.

About two years later I decided to experience the world and packed my backpack. A week before I left I saw him at a nightclub and we ended up having a great night together finishing with a long talk about our feelings and lots of kissing and hugging. I had a boyfriend at the time and he was seeing a girl who is now (yes it gets messy) his fiancee.

Fast forward three years and we come to today. We see each other occasionally; however, he is usually with his girlfriend. He always asks mutual friends about my relationships and a drunk friend of his girlfriend let slip the other night that I cause a lot of friction between them in that she is very jealous of me and he gets a verbal bashing if my name is mentioned in passing. (I hardly ever see them.) It may just be me and wishful thinking but when I do see him there are longing looks and some flirting.

I would never do anything to harm this relationship, I have firm beliefs about being faithful and I wouldn't want anything to do with a guy who is willing to cheat on his fiancee. I need to know if I should be leaving this one alone completely and moving on or waiting to see what progresses as he may be "the one." He stirs feelings in me that no one has since the first time I laid eyes on him all those years ago.

So, BG, most advice columns would say "Forget it, move on" but you seem to have a different angle and I'd love to hear it. Congrats again on a wonderful site and hello to all your regular readers.

-- The Ex Files

Dear Ex Files,

Okay, one more about first loves. Guess we've got a mini-theme going here; guess the holidays stir up dura-flames from the ashes.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments ... and ack! Now I've got all this pressure to be different!

Well, first of all, I have to say that -- if Drunken Friend is a reliable source -- then Boyfriend's Betty has either a totally inappropriate jealous streak (in which case, no wonder he'd cheat), or a major clue (in which case, no wonder he'd flirt).

So. This one reminds me a bit of the situation with G., who was loath to hold his peace while his girl married the wrong guy (i.e. not him). And since then, I've come closer to The Guy at the End of the Bar's way of thinking on these things -- and you can bet that he won't say "forget it, move on." The No Poaching rule, as well as the Hippocratic Oath (no harm), still hold. But -- if you are really serious about this guy -- they don't necessarily preclude having an itty bitty ... talk. Like: "You still stir feelings in me that no one has since the first time I laid eyes on you all those years ago. When I do see you, there are longing looks and some flirting -- is this just wishful thinking? Are you sure you know what you're doing? If you can't deal with these questions, I'll stop right now and respect your choice and your space -- but I'll also ask you not to flirt with me, because it's not making anyone happy. But if I have said anything you do need to think about, please take some time and let me know." Are you willing to lay that on the line, EF? If so, let us know what happens. If not, well, you may not forget him entirely, but at least you might be moving. Right?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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