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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm worried about my friends. M & A have been dating for a little over a year; we're at college, and A is non-officially living with M (she has her own room, but hasn't slept there in months). M has problems of her own: she's a double composition and English major (read: lots of piano-playing, lots of writing), and has recently developed severe wrist problems which are just getting worse (she's getting medical help, but it hasn't been much help). They're both struggling financially; M is only partly out to her family, and A isn't out at all.

Recently, to top things off, A has become clincally depressed. She is seeing a counselor, and started some medication (although the tranquilizers aren't helping her sleep, and the anti-depressant is giving her physical problems), but she's taking it out on M. I don't blame her: I don't understand depression, but I can't criticize someone for what it makes them do. But she's totally ignoring M, up to the point where she won't even talk to her (but still lives with her), and M has been spending so much time taking care of her that she's barely passing her classes. I feel bad for A, but I think she'll get through it. M, however, has too much to handle for someone so young: I've seen what kind of responsibility this can be, because my sister is depressed and my mother has sometimes had to take care of her full-time. M doesn't have that kind of time, and it's exhausting her, and she feels like she's getting rejected in return. I don't know what to say to her to even make her feel better, and I wish there were something I could do or advice I could offer; but I'm in the dark. Have you any suggestions?

Thanks so much for your column; the world always makes a little more sense on Monday afternoons!

--Feeling Futile

Dear Feeling,

Over to you, BG counselor-in-residence Belleruth:

"Seems like they're going through the fallout from an instant, powerful major fusion thing that just couldn't sustain itself. What often happens is that one partner becomes dependent and mean and the other, the 'caretaker,' immolates herself on the dying embers...

So insofar as this is possible: don't worry. This relationship is not long for this world. It's probably in its death throes, but only the people reading this letter know that so far ... Just support both of them in whatever way you can without getting sucked into their black hole. They'll probably get back into balance after they separate. Just stand back, be supportive, and make suggestions when asked -- or when things are just too ridiculous, just watch and say nothing. You are being an excellent friend."

Love,
BR/BG

P.S. Hey, did everyone see the article about Belleruth's work in this month's Fitness magazine?

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