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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a 25 year old female who went back to college. While there I met a 23 year old guy, and eventually, we started dating. The two of us couldn't be more different. I'm kind of an introvert, while he is definitely on the other end of the spectrum. I like to read and watch television, he likes to go to bars (although he has cut back considerably since we started dating). We have some fights, but I think he cares about me, and I know I care about him.

The problem that has arisen lately is his family. I always try to be nice and polite to people, but I'll admit that I'm quiet. Maybe too quiet. Anyway, his family is the complete opposite of mine (which stands to reason, since we're so different). They're pretty loud, and they really enjoy partying. This would be fine if they could just accept me the way I am, but this doesn't seem to be the case.

He made me go to his cousin's graduation party recently. At this time, his 40-year-old mother proceeded (once again) to tell everyone around me that I'm too quiet and that I don't like to come to any family functions. Then she told everyone that I took a scholarship away from her son (I got one, he didn't). Then it was comments about how if her son got married, it probably wouldn't be to me. This continued for most of the party. I think the worst part was when she said (in front of me) that the only girl John dated that his father liked was someone from about five years back. She said that John's father didn't know if he liked me because I don't talk. John told me this is how his family is, and I should realize that. I know everyone is entitled to be who they want to be, but this treatment is really starting to upset me, especially since I don't say anything. I just kind of smile and sit there like an idiot.

I guess my question is whether there is any hope for this relationship when I can't stand to be around his family when all they do is insult me. Should I just end this now? I know they won't change.

-- Quiet Girl

Dear Quiet Girl,

OOOOOH, MY. Reminds me of that Oingo Boingo song: "It's not you ... it's your family that I can't stand." But that song's all about how Dad takes Date on an hours-long tour of his new Hibachi, NOT about how Mom singles you out for mean, personal insults at family gatherings. I'm not even gonna get into the weird Oedipal vibe I'm getting (remember, Breakup Girl is only a superhero, not a trained Freudian psychoanalyst). But I do know a thing or two about party vibe, and I will say, for what it's worth, that her comments probably made the other people listening uncomfortable too; you probably came across as more of an innocent victim than a loser.

More to the point: generally, when you love someone, warts and all, their family may just be one of those warts. Usually, you just have to suck it up, figure out ways to tolerate and work aroumd the uncomfortable situation. But there's a big huge red flag waving here, and it's this: while the mom has crossed the line, the boyfriend is content to toe it. I mean, if his mom were merely on some kind of annoying but harmless kick like, oh, trying to get you to change your hair color, that would be one thing. But he's not even willing to step up and say, "Yo, Ma, lay off my girlfriend at family gatherings!?" Never mind her; this what's really bugging me.

To be fair, maybe he didn't hear what she said, maybe he hasn't gotten how insane it was. So here's what you do: look around your relationship. Does he back you up, take your side, root for you, care how you feel in other areas? If everything else seems to be in place, then bring up the mom thing again and see if there's a way to ... suck it up, figure out ways to work around the uncomfortable situation. But if you're not so sure he's really there for you -- or if he's not willing to hear you out -- then think seriously about how many more family gatherings you want to go to with this guy. 'Cause of the guy, not the family.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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