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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm part of a weekly folk dance group, and I've been interested in a fellow folk dancer for the past couple of months. He's shy, and for about a month I was always the one to approach him and strike up a conversation. I thought the conversations were nice, and he would take an equal role, and not say after 30 seconds, for example, "Oh, I have to get a drink," as a way out or something.

Anyway, after five weeks or so, I asked for his number and asked him if he wanted to go for dinner sometime. He said that he couldn't on the day I suggested because he was leaving for a trip -- sounded like a real excuse, not a "sorry not interested" excuse.

Finally (after deciding that I had been pursuing him much too much and more or less ignored him for a good month) this past week, he actually initiated a conversation with me. No invitation, but he asked how my new job was going, and had a very nice smile. During the previous month, I thought he I saw him staring at me from across the room, but he never came up to me.

Anyway, my question is, could he possibly be interested, or was he just being polite? Or does he think "okay, she gets it, I'm not interested; I can talk to her now?" I would tend to say that his shyness can explain the fact that he's proceeding slowly and hasn't brought up my invitation. What do you think, Breakup Girl?

-- Deborah

Dear Deborah,

First of all, did everyone get this? You MEETmeet -- or at least find people to crush on along the Flirtation Continuum -- through activities. Thanks, Deborah: it's letters like this that keep me from having to use the word "hobby."

Now. Though BG did once learn the Virginia Reel as part of some sort of grade-school colonial pageant, she knows about as much about what this guy's signals "mean" as she does about folk dancing. Meaning: yep, your Private Dancer totally could be shy, or yep, he totally could be -- blech! -- not Interested. But really, you never know: he could have written me the same letter about your signals, worrying that he's blown it, etc.

So I'd say you're allowed one more step toward him -- i.e. one more specific invitation. If he declines with another "real" reason, just say, "Well, okay, if your schedule frees up, why don't you let me know?" (Tread lightly on those italics.) Then let it go if you must; you don't want to have to keep more than three left feet away from him every week if things started to feel awkward. And if they did, well, there's always community theater.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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