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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have gotten myself into a truly terrible situation. My parents and I don't exactly see eye to eye on a few rather important (to me at least) issues; like getting a driver's license, and doing something with my life besides being a housewife. Not that there's anything wrong with being one, if that's what you want. But, I wanted more and started going to summer school when I was 14 so that I could graduate high school at 16 and leave my parents.

I live in a fairly rural area, and since my parents don't believe in women doing things outside of the house, I couldn't go to anything better than a local college. I did the fast food/odd jobs to help augment what little I had left over from my scholarship. I was never able to save up enough to take a private driver's ed class (required for first time drivers where I live), since it costs about $300. I'd also have to rent a car to take the test.

When I was 17, I met a guy who I thought was really great. He gave me rides to work, helped me out with tuition money when I needed it, and always tried to find a way not to let me starve without making it seem like charity. Great guy, right? I had a nervous breakdown from all the stress of trying to do everything myself with no support from my parents when I was 19. At that point, I was willing to let "Mike" take control of my life, as I didn't really have any one else to turn to and couldn't cope with it myself. Well, about a year ago, my apartment got a new manager and rent went up to something I couldn't pay. He offered to let me have the second bedroom in his apartment and we would split rent/utilities.

Now, at almost 21, I'm ready to take my life back, but he won't let me. I still have no license, and now no job. He says I am "too good" to work at any of the places in town, and refuses to take me there. And since we have no buses or taxis, I'm stuck here, wondering how I managed to mess my life up this badly. It really scares me, because I get upset and cry constantly, which is a lot like how I was when I was 19. I'm beginning to hate myself because I can't deal with the frustration of having so little control of my life. I would love nothing more than to drive away and change my life...but I can't.

Any suggestions? The whole license thing frustrates me to no end, as it makes me feel like I'm a three-year-old who can't do one damn thing for herself, and has to get someone to hold her hand to cross the street! Help!

-- Keri

Dear Keri,

Yes, indeedy, that license is both symbol of and actual key to your independence. But first, the guy. Some of the things you say about him set off the kind of alarms that, unlike car alarms, BG cannot ignore. You're "too good" to work? He "won't let you" take your life back? Hrm. It could be that he's tired of being "helpful" -- and you're understandably tired of...everything -- and he's been handy for so long that you're stumbling without that long-had leg up. Or it could be that he's got you -- for whatever reason -- right where he wants you: stuck and dependent on him, even for the nothing he's giving you. That, Keri, is where a relationship lurches over from the bumpy lane into downright scary. Please, oh please, read this column to see which side of the yellow line you feel you're on. Plus, if you think about it -- which you should -- he (as our own Belleruth points out) is not all that different from your parents. The freedom he used to represent for you may just have been a new face on familiar.

So whether for your independence and self-esteem -- or for your very safety -- you've got to find a way to put some distance between yourself and his control. With or without him, yes, you've got to get that license. Don't let the feelings of powerlessness short out your resourcefulness. Borrow from a friend. Crash with someone closer to town. Ask at the church. Something. People who want something from you are not the only ones who will help; some will do it just because -- and yes, without making it feel like "charity." Think. Plan. You have...time. And you've done it before, at an age when, arguably, it was even harder. You can now. Consider teeny steps -- even one will give you momentum for the next. And as Belleruth says, "Having to start over is terrifying, but it isn't the worst thing in the world; it's surely not as bad as being trapped." First, find a way to put the auto in "autonomy," and you'll be on your way.

Love,
Belleruth and BG

P.S. Remember, if something about distancing yourself from him makes you frightened, please click here and here.

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