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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, here goes: What are the "bases" in dating? Not that I'm a total blonde, but can you give me an answer to my question?

-- Michelle

P.S. My Mum and I share the computer so please put "For Michelle." Thanks, BG.

Dear Michelle,

One of BG's many regrets is that she never told Billy Driscoll how lame it was that he dumped her just because she wouldn't let him go to second base with her in the bleachers at the "99 Luft Balloons" Dance. (Note: I was blond at the time, but clearly no dummy. So much for that stereotype, kiddo.) Another regret, present day, is that she cannot e-mail advice-seekers back personally.

That policy will thus keep my response to you -- as well as BG herself -- safe from your mother.* And I'm glad you asked me instead of, say, some boy. So here's the straight answer, far as BG can recall:

1st base: kissing

2nd base: touching underneath your shirt.

3rd base: touching underneath your pants

Home: "going all the way," i.e. sexual intercourse

Now, here's the thing. If you were asking because you missed the Meatloaf memo and had no idea what the "kids these days" are into, then you maaaaay be old enough to make your way around the bases. BUT. Michelle, if you are asking because you don't get what the bigger kids are talking about, then please listen to this first base coach when she tells you to stay put right there. Take your time, sweetie, okay? No need to run. I like hockey because it's fast, but baseball's beauty is that it's slow. (This metaphor was lost on Billy.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

NEXT LETTER:
She dumped me because I'm not sarcastic? Oh, great!