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Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year and a half. We've been having sex for much of that time. In the beginning, I'd always feel as though I coerced her into it in some strange way. It's better now, but sometimes I still get a weird, guilty feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means assaulting (i.e. touching without permission) her in any way, but I can't shake the nasty feeling that she just doesn't want to do it sometimes. Sometimes she acts like she does it just to make me happy. This is not just pure speculation here, either. She confided in me that sometimes with her previous boyfriend, with whom she was more attached and committed to, she would just do it with him to make him happy.

Now, she tells me that she enjoys sex with me (more than with her ex), and that she wants to do it. I would tend to believe her after all, she's a very strong girl. I would also tend believe that she's come to terms with the stuff she's had to deal with in the past, mostly. However, I can't shake the nagging feeling that she's lying to me. From all appearances, she seems as though she cares for me just as much as she did for her ex. I'm sure you can understand my logic: if she could bring herself to lie to him about enjoying and wanting sex, why couldn't she do the same to me?

I know that guys tend to have a stronger sex drive, and that girls tend to suffer for it. She has expressed to me that there have been occasions when she didn't want sex when I came on to her, which made me feel pretty crappy. I guess I just want to be responsible for this weird thing hanging over my head, making me want to do other things to my girlfriend.

So, oh great and powerful BG, how can I: a) be sure that my girlfriend really enjoys sex with me, b) initiate sex in a nonviolent, non-instrusive way?

I feel as though constantly worrying about the veracity of our lovemaking is really dampening my enjoyment. But simultaneously, I just don't want to be one of those Neanderthal guys who just knock women over the head and drag them back to their caves, as it were. Ack!

-- Runaway Penis

Dear Runaway,

To continue the above spirit of demaligning men, I will note that Neanderthals are actually not direct ancestors of homo sapiens; perhaps the latter outlasted the former due to more advanced/compelling flirting techniques.

Neanderthals did actually use tools with precision, though, just as I will now wield the sharp advice of our own Belleruth. She says:

"How can you be sure she really enjoys sex? Well, you can't. But hey, as long as you're respectful and responsive to her wishes, it's actually her responsibility to say yes or no, and yours to respond accordingly. You can't be obligated to second-guess that. And besides, there's really nothing so terrible about having sex now and then when you don't really feel like it but your partner does. Arguably, it's part of partnership. You needn't guilt-trip out over that. If that's the deal.

"Because see, there's too much violence lurking in your e-mail. And not enough information. What 'other things' does this 'thing' make you want to do to your girlfriend? I don't know what to make of that sentence. You do say you're not, but are you actually violent with her? Do you wind up forcing her? Or does it appear that way, 'cause she's got some sexual hang-ups and can have/enjoy sex only under the appearance of being forced? Or do you have a violently bad self-image that makes you worry all the time about being some sort of 'Neanderthal,' even though you're not? (Or, at least, that shows up in your sort of funky insecurity about her last boyfriend?)

"No matter what, you've got to find a way to stop obsessing about whether she really wants it or not. If you're hounding her about it, or about her somehow lying to you, that's gonna interfere with the relationship. If you're actually behaving violently, you need to find a way to stop. If she wants it that way, you should talk about it. Maybe you could make it part of your sex life in a more playful, less stressful way."

Neanderthals did have bigger brains and extra nasal architecture, but neither they nor humans should be expected to know or sniff out another's feelings with perfect accuracy. That is: Good sex can require a certain 'meeting of the minds,' but it doesn't mean you're a mind reader. You can certainly ask her what she does and doesn't like and when, and why, and where to go from here on whatever weird stuff might come up. But you know better than we do what's going on in your mind/bed. Take Belleruth's questions into the darker recesses and see if they light up a part of the cave you hadn't seen.

Love,
Breakup Girl and Belleruth

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