< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I caught my boyfriend (now my ex) cheating by listening to his voice mail. I've had his secret phone code for months. Even though we've broken up, I still check his voice mail. The same girl he cheated with has moved away but still calls him all the time.

Does this sound neurotic? I don't know if I'm just curious, or I'm trying to torture myself. How can I stop the madness?!

-- Michelle the Spy

Dear Michelle,

<Pause.> Yeaaaaaaaaaaah, that sounds neurotic. And I'd have to go with "torture." See, back when you were (I assume) acting on a suspicion, snooping at least had a "reason" and a "goal." But now you're just in a vicious voice mail circle (which is bad enough when you're just dealing with, like, customer service). You are (being human and all) still smarting and jealous and lonely and (being human and all) are looking to stay that way. So you call, prove yourself right, make yourself sad, and thus call again. See?

So how to stop? Well, you see that our measly, oxymoronic "will power" is no match for breakup freakout, not to mention these massive conglomerate phone companies. So one suggestion would be to -- as nutritionists say -- "notice the triggers." When do you call? When you...haven't made other plans? When you're home sorting through his love letters? When you've had a few gimlets? If you get as far as the cause, then unplug the phone before "effect" sets in. Over time, you'll get used to not calling. Next step: start cutting out the triggers themselves. Even if you don't feel like it, start making plans in phone-free places. Start talking to people other than the Verizon lady. You may not forget the code or how much this all hurt, but you will get to the point where you don't care to remember.

Love,
Breakup Girl

NEXT LETTER:
"It seems like love is written in a language I never learned!"