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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm a senior in university and extremely happy being who I am. I am successful in school, work, and have a great family. I also have a wonderful relationship with a guy I've known for about two years (dated for one). The problem: when I met my boyfriend, I was not so happy with myself. I had low self-esteem and underestimated what I was capable of. Much of these negative feelings were physically manifested by the fact that I ate a lot, didn't exercise, and was significantly overweight.

I was overweight when I met my boyfriend, but (amazingly!) he liked me anyway. Loved me. Respected me. Adored me. Honestly, I'd never thought that anyone would feel that way about me ever, especially since I was fat and therefore not pretty.

I didn't like him at first and thought maybe there was something wrong with him for liking me so much. But eventually I got to know him better and liked almost everything I found out. He was/is a truly complex and amazing person. We started going out.

After we started going out, I began to change. I began to feel better about myself. I ate less. I exercised more. I lost weight. A lot of weight. He has never commented on my looks except to say that I am a beautiful and gorgeous woman.

So the problem here is me. Now that I've lost all this weight and look (by conventional standards) much better than I've ever looked before, I'm getting lots of attention from other guys. Guys who never bothered with me before because I was fat.

I know. I know that I should dismiss these newly interested men. But I feel like I can't. I've never had so many people interested in me and I can't stop myself from wondering what it would be like to consider people other than my boyfriend.

Oh, I sound like a witch, right? I know it. He's been terrific, and the moment I have other attractive prospects, I think of giving him the "maybe we need time apart" speech, and start dating other people.

But then, a part of me can't help but think that maybe I've locked myself into a relationship too soon by thinking that I owe him for all the love etc. he gave and continues to give me. Do I owe him anything? Am I being ungrateful? Am I mean person? Would it be against my conscious to leave and date other people when there is really nothing wrong with my current relationship?

-- Erika

Dear Erika,

Many people say to themselves, "I can't leave him/her because no one else will ever love me." You are thinking, "Maybe I should leave, because someone else actually might."

Are you a bad person for having those thoughts? Well, having "mean" thoughts makes you a bad person about as much as having extra pounds does. Like, not. That's what thoughts are for."Having," in a nice, safe place. It's whether -- or how -- you act on those thoughts that counts.

Also, that kind of "wondering" is generally normal, normal, normal. We all wonder in passing what it would be like to, say, date our opposite-sex friends; doesn't mean men and women can't be friends. Happily married people wonder, idly, "What if...Breakup Dad were Denzel Washington?"; doesn't mean there's trouble in Paradise, MA. No, but really. "What if I'd made a different choice?" is a rumination played out in oh so many minds (and ergo, movies, etc.). We do that.

So. Never mind if you're "mean." And never mind if you "owe" him -- that's not the question; all we ever owe anyone is sincere decency, not some quid pro quo return on relationship investment.

Now. Will someone better like you better while you look "better?" That's not a bet I want you to make.

Where do you look to figure this out? Well, it's great that you opened yourself up to this guy and gave him a chance rather than sizing yourself out of the market. On the other, it is possible -- at least in part -- that you adapted to him, even cheerfully, worthwhile-ly, and not-unjustifiably so, because he was the one -- and I mean the ONE -- asking. And, at the bottom line, sometimes relationships repeat and fade. Sometimes they just...do.

So here is where to train your thoughts: do you want to be with this guy? Now? For a longer while? Can you be content with this guy given that those thoughts have taken hold? Can you simply enjoy and savor those attentions as flattering winks at your inner coquette? And -- here's the clincher -- can you make that call as if we lived in an ideal world where weight didn't matter? If you work through all of that, you will at least have thought hard about a tough call. A mean person wouldn't have bothered.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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