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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've just read (most of) your book. Awesome, and just what I needed! Thanks! Here's my story:

I'm going through a breakup of a seven year relationship (four living together), and my ex is tripping over himself to be as nice as possible. Our relationship breakdown, however, has not been so nice. There has been cheating, airing of our dirty laundry in public (on both our parts), and gossip, gossip, gossip. I want to end it gracefully and regain my single identity, but with minimal gossip. That may sound honorable, but I'm a little paranoid and I think I may want to control this breakup a little too much. And with my ex-boyfriend ready to agree to almost everything I say - time to write BG!

We're still living together and acting as a couple in public, but sleeping in separate bedrooms (no relapses). I get the keys to my new place very soon and when I move out, we will go totally public with our breakup (so far only family and very close friends know). After seven years our lives are somewhat intertwined, although I do have some exclusive circles.

Here's the main thing: I DJ a couple of nights in a nightclub he owns and I also have a real job. One DJ night is fun for me, very popular, and I've been at it for about three years. The other one is new, a bit of a struggle and I was kind of, but not totally, doing it for him. Once the news is out, would it be out of line to demand he not be there on my nights for a while? He agreed to it once, when I was much angrier at him, but should I make him stick to it? The thought of seeing him there with another woman while I'm working really irks me. If I keep to this demand, how long do I banish him from one of his businesses? What about me? Does being the boss' ex-girlfriend mean extra decorum required? Are the fellow employees (probably) or regular patrons off limits to me? For how long? What about the gossip mongers? Is it too much to ask that he tell me when he has a new girlfriend, or do I have to hear it from someone else?

I want to be independent and my own person; he's trying to do too much for me and argues when I decline. He wanted to supplement my rent and I wouldn't let him (I paid half our rent before). Most of our big stuff splits up rather easily -- I still have my own furniture that I like better than his. My new apartment will be much smaller, and I've told him that I'm looking forward to living a simpler life with less stuff. But he keeps suggesting I take his stuff; stuff I will have no room for, never asked for, and don't need. And, of course, he wants to store any of my stuff that I can't fit in my smaller place (I'm thinking my parents, although an hour's drive away, is a better choice). I don't need or want anything like alimony or a share of his businesses. I have my own career and independent future.

Sometimes his earnestness makes me laugh -- he wanted me to have the fancy upright vacuum cleaner, even though I explained that my new place has hardwood floors and the tiniest broom closet ever. Other times, I just feel irritated -- like he's trying to buy me off and I've told him so (and then felt a little mean). But, I also remember him bragging about what a "prince" he was for his other ex and it always seemed to put her in a bad light.

Is he just being nice, or gathering stuff to complain about later? How do I draw the boundaries without being mean and/or cutting my nose off to spite my face? Thanks BG!

-- AE

Dear AE,

Wowee! We've had the boyfriend stereo, the airplay girlfriend, and now the DJ ex! Just think of the mixes you could master when he brings in "someone new." But that would be on some unwatchable "Coyote Ugly meets 54" sitcom, not in your clearly more decorous life/breakup.

So let's see. The fact that he owns the place gives you a little less leeway...and a little more reason to engineer a distance factor of maybe 78, as opposed to 33 1/3. So how about you (a) ask (not "demand") if there's any way, for now (exact time TBD -- you'll "see how you both feel"), that he could steer clear of your one big night , and (b) gracefully resign the new one. That way you're asking him only for one night of space, and you're giving yourself a chance to (DJ ethics permitting) spin your moneymaker in a fresh part of town. Meanwhile, extra decorum? Sure. Other employees? No. Patrons? Sure, but meet there, date elsewhere. Don't make out on the scruffy couches. Gossip? Who cares? If you stay above it all, they'll get bored. New Girlfriend Notification Service? Not "too much to ask," but you never know. He's being so freaking solicitous he could tell you either way too soon or way too late. I'd say let one trusted friend keep her ears open, but it's really up to you.

Speaking of solicitous. It's great, in one sense, that he's tripping over himself to be nice, but I can also see why you might also want to push him down the stairs yourself. You're right, there are definitely twinges of, you know, paying the rent with Good Person dollars and trying to fancy-upright vacuum his guilt. Then again, heck, there are worse things to have [more than] twinges of! Try and just say "No, thanks" (a lot) without launching into the "because..." part that makes you feel mean and frustrated. To what end, anyway? Try to clench your fists through these purgative logistics; look forward instead to the bigger picture of your near-future : better furniture, bigger TV, new nightlife, more than civil ex-relations, and generous/resilient attitude. All that without, God help us, ever having to play "I Will Survive."

Love,
Breakup Girl

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