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Breakup Girl,

O patron saint of the crumpled love letter, I need your advice. Here's the deal: my boyfriend is the best. He's funny, smart, incredibly cute, kind, and giving. He babysits my cat when I go out of town, makes me dinner, and even washes the dishes. He passes The Porch Test with flying colors, and he's even tossed the M-word out one or twice. I've never felt so loved, or been so happy.

Of course there's a catch, or I wouldn't be writing. I don't think this is a dealbreaker, but I'm scared it might turn into one.

See, I'm a software chick in high demand. I have a huge salary and a good set of stock options that make me extraordinarily well-off. He works in a record shop and does freelance stuff as a sound engineer, so he makes a heck of a lot less than I do.

I don't care at all. I'm madly in love with this man, and he's introduced me to some great music, great local bands, and the fine art of soldering. It bothers him a lot, though. I want to take him out to gorge on sushi, or fly him to Barcelona with me for a week. I can afford it, and there's no way I'd go to Barcelona without him. He refuses to accept this stuff from me, though, and won't even discuss it after I've brought it up. A couple of weeks ago, on the night before payday when he was broke, I had to argue to get him to accept a $6 meal at a Chinese restaurant. I know he has to work an hour to pay for even that, but it makes me happy to feed him. Especially after he's made me a lasagna from scratch, or cleaned my cat's litter box.

At first it seemed charming and noble, but these days I get very frustrated thinking about all the great opportunities we're missing, especially since I have the means to make our daydreams actually happen. He feels as if he has to pay his whole way, or he won't do it. It's an old-fashioned pride thing, I guess, but it's driving me crazy. I love sushi! I love Barcelona! I love him! Why can't all of this fit together? Is there a way I can work him up to accepting my gifts? I want him exactly the way he is, and I don't want someone who can "take care" of me, or someone who has a regular career with an exorbitant salary. I can take care of us both, and I would rather see him happy in a record store than miserable in a marketing career.

How do you handle a thing like this? I'd hate to see this issue keep cropping up, since so much of my life with him is unbelievably great.

-- Mommy Warbucks

Dear Mommy Warbucks,

I love sushi! I love Barcelona! I'll go!

No, really. Sure wish this letter had been from him -- you know, "Dear Breakup Girl, My girlfriend's a software stock-option gold-card goddess; I'm paycheck-to-paycheck Tower Records boy. She pays for everything, and I feel lame. What should I do?" I'd have told him to read my column, fix you lasagna, help out with the cats, make you feel never-so-loved-and-happy, and be done with it.

But there are definitely a few more layers of noodles here. And yeah, you don't want this to become any bigger a deal than some $6 Kung Pao Chicken.

Oh, wait, $6 Kung Pao is a big deal at this point. So in the immediate, I'd say just drop the small battles. Drop 'em. In a sense, it's almost more "humiliating" to get here-let-me-get-that-ed over a trifle than a...truffle. You know?

That said, I sure don't want you to drop your dreams. If you want to go to Barcelona, you sure as hell should. If you love your dragon rolls, then by all means. ["Stick to the cooked stuff, like shrimp and eel." This has been a public service message from Breakup Mom.] It's not about the people, places, things, and shu mai themselves, it's about your being able to do and have and enjoy what you love ... especially as part of your relationship. That's why I say: I know you've tried to talk to him, but, well, try again.What else can I say? Maybe make it not about getting him to do or not do something, but rather about...well, all that mushy stuff you said. About you. About how you feel. About how you feel about him. Take it right out of your letter if you like. That might help you guys drill down to the underlying issues, instead of getting bogged down with bartering. Bottom line, if he wants his self-esteem and you want your daydreams, someone's got to budge -- even if it's not all the way to Spain. If his pride really can't take the wasabi -- well, that's tedious and exasperating, but -- then you've got to take off/go out with friends (and not in a huff). If you want to spend something, spend some time, energy, and thought trying, without badgering, to communicate about this. Hey, talk's cheap. Oh, and speech is free.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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