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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been in a long distance relationship for almost two years now, but I've fallen out of love. I still care for her deeply, but I know that the relationship must end. I just want to end things in the most forthright and least hurtful manner. I can't bring myself to do it on the phone (the prevailing thought is that it's really a crummy thing to do). So, it's down to one of our monthly visits. Each visit lasts about a week, and it's my turn to go see her next. I figure it's the right time: She'll be on her own turf, and I can just leave if she wants me to. Now, I just have to figure out what the hell to say!

The only reason I feel your usual advice is out of place is the fact that I'm going to have to do this in front of her family, with no one in my corner. Her friends and family love me, and while the idea of hurting them is only 1/1000th of the problem, they're all expecting just another nice visit. It's her grandparents' 60th anniversary party, and they're all expecting to see me! You can guess how thrilled I am about the prospect of humiliating her with thirty of her large, grumpy, hockey playing, Quebecois uncles and cousins around me. Eek.

Should I wait for a more discreet time? Should I charge ahead at the very real risk of a sound thrashing at the hands of her family? What's the best way and time to break up and be as fair to her as possible? Lots of questions. Well, I figure I've blathered long enough. Thanks for your time, and keep fighting the good fight!

-- Trey

Dear Trey,

Well, as I've stated many times, there's always a bat mitzvah. Or, let's say, there's always a Game 7. That is: there's always some excellent reason ("reason") not to do something dicey.

That said, there's also always a demand for decorum. There's not always a 60th anniversary party. It's not like you really have to do it "in front" of her family, like right after the toast, but still. Fair enough: you don't want to spoil their party. No one wants her grandparents' 61st to be the anniversary of the final fight in the stands. So maybe that's just a way-too-less than ideal weekend (for a deed that, again, has no ideal time and place).

So instead of setting up defensemen in your own way, it might be time for you to think outside the penalty box. This is/was a big deal relationship -- so maybe it warrants a special interim festivity-free trip on your part?

Once you're there, Trey, all you can do is tell as much of the truth as is illuminating and non-mean. All you can do is tell her that your gut says "go," and, at the same time, feels like it just punched itself. It's the best you can do -- and certainly the hardest, as arguably/evilly, over LDRs are easier to let drag on "because they're there," on account of the other person's...not. So try not to beat yourself up, or to let her uncles do it for you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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