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Dear Breakup Girl,

Isn't it funny how you can go along with your life, happy as a clam, thinking you are really on top of things, and then something happens to throw you back to the emotional stability of a three-year-old and you wonder whether you ever were as mature as you thought?

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, living together for nearly five. Over these years, we have worked through a lot of difficulties and developed a deep and -- for the most part -- satisfying relationship. Only a month or so ago, we were exclaiming that we had never been so happy and we were looking forward to another fifty years together.

Then the ugly green monster entered my life. The Boyfriend has always had a number of female friends. I chalk it up to his wish to replicate his relationship with his mother. The women he chooses for platonic friendships are nearly always unattractive and have a common personality trait of talking nonstop, whereas I am a quieter type.

I have always felt a tinge of jealousy over this, but have recognized it was not the most productive emotion and rather successfully driven it away, even becoming friends with most of his female friends.

Enter his new best friend. Another nonstop talker, this one is very attractive (I might cattily add that this comes as a result of two plastic surgeries), and married to someone else. They share an office. They eat lunch together every day. They exercise together five times a week. They go out for drinks after work several times a week. In short, he spends more time with her than with me.

At first, I was not jealous -- the fact that she is married helps. But as time went on I realized two things: that she fulfills a need for him I cannot fulfill -- the nonstop talking, outgoing personality that he needs to be around -- and that he was not being completely open with me.

I noticed that he began to sense my jealousy, although I have not mentioned it to him. The reason I have not mentioned it is that I am aware that I am highly emotional over this and am probably not seeing things clearly. If we got into a discussion of it, I'm afraid I would quickly turn into a shrewish nagging harpy.

But still he senses it. He does not tell me everything he does during the day. He may tell me that he ate lunch here or there, or went out for a drink or a run, but always fails to mention with whom. Of course, whenever I see her, she retells all these stories, making it obvious that she was with him for all of these activities, and that he has omitted a few details.

Although the mature wise woman in me says there is nothing wrong with his having another friendship and I should do nothing to limit his behavior, the three-year-old is saying that even if there is no sexual component to this relationship, it is still inappropriate. I know he loves me and I know I should trust him, but it is so hard to let go of these negative emotions!

I guess I am not only threatened because she is an attractive female, but also because he has gone out and gotten himself a new best friend. I cannot imagine a future in which he continues to spend this much time with her, nor can I imagine a future in which he willingly puts some distance between himself and her. So, BG, I guess my question is how do I get through this? How do I talk to him about this? How can I both give him the freedom to choose his friendships and feel secure too? Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

-- Jealous Type

Dear Jealous Type,

Breakup Girl has always taken a very generous position on Friends of the Opposite Sex. I believe that they can be truly friends, and that we all should have them. Including, if not especially, when we're in relationships.

But. I have also taken pains to refine my position on the meaning and message of jealousy. Sometimes, right, it's "not the most productive emotion." But sometimes, JT, it's the greenest eyes that see the most clearly. And that give you the sixth sense that something's off.

And in this case, JT, the eyes have it. Even if -- BRACE YOURSELF -- those two are not actually, um, er, um...messing around, you've at least alerted yourself to the fact that something's missing. Given the facts ("he spends more time with her than with me") and feelings ("new best friend") you describe, who wouldn't start to feel supplanted, bested, surgically reduced? No matter how he might juggle even the healthiest and appropriate of platonic commitments (plus, say, work and family), you are still entitled to feel like you and your relationship are, bottom line, his tiptop priority.

So. Don't worry about your inner harpy; don't think of it as "limiting" his behavior. You could say. "Dude. Never see you. Things: not the same. What the dilly? Should we chat?" It doesn't have to be (or start out as) an are-too/am-not power struggle over their relationship per se -- though it might lead to a "what's she got that we ain't got?" -- which would be fine (and/or heck, ask him how he'd feel if you had the same level friend-boy). Key distinction I'm maintaining: this is between you two, not about what trenches you might fecklessly try to dig between them. Said it before: you can't make him, or anyone, do anything in the first place. No matter what you say, he's free to choose and maintain his friendships (slash, "friendships"). But he's also free to mess up other ones in the process. So while you shouldn't/needn't change to be more like these "talkers," now's not the time to keep quiet.

Let me know what happens?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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