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Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my ex last September when I got sick of putting up with him "because I loved him." In retrospect it was a Bad Relationship. He bruised me, blamed me for addictions and psychological problems, tried to coerce me into sex without birth control, and tried to turn me into someone else, tossing the L-word around liberally.

I am still absolutely furious, and though I'm civil on ICQ, I'd be lying if I said I wanted to be friends or keep in touch. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to kick him to a pulp, because kicked to a pulp is how I felt the last three months I was with him. It feels wonderful to finally be angry, because I tried so hard to "overlook his faults" for eight months. Is it normal, or perhaps even healthy, to still feel this way, your Superhero-ness? Will I always be so angry? It feels so satisfying to think -- just think -- of physically hurting him, but I don't like to derive pleasure from such violent thoughts. It scares me a little. Please advise me. Would counseling help?

-- Julia

Dear Julia,

Anger, in controllable doses, is like physical pain: sucky and draining, but there for a reason. It tells you when something's wrong, so that you can act to quell, heal, perhaps prevent something worse. And sometimes it does that job for you, without your having to do anything.

As our Belleruth says: "It's normal. Thoughts and fantasies aren't actions. This is nature's way of protecting yourself from putting yourself at risk with this guy -- or another one like him -- again...as long as you know the difference between fantasy and action, and as long as it doesn't go on at this intensity for months and months. (If you feel stuck much longer, a little counseling wouldn't hurt.)

Nature also does a funny thing called 'displacement.' You're also mad at yourself for deluding yourself and colluding with his crap. This doesn't mean he's not a creep. It just means that you need to take care of business on your own end, understand whatever it was that made you vulnerable to his projections and perpetrations. Knowing that will help you take responsibility for your part and protect you even better in the future."

Especially when you meet someone you're mad about.

Love,
Belleruth and Breakup Girl

 
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