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Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for answering my previous question -- I'm the law student dating the attorney, and you referred to us as sharing a Secured Credit UCC filing. I laughed when I read that -- definitely didn't take offense -- and took your advice. I casually commented to him that I wanted a little of our old giddiness back, wanted to stay the night together more often, etc. Cheers to BG, her advice was right on the mark! He's just the best and you must have been inside his head when you made your suggestions, because it worked perfectly.

Which means I'm back again, with a different question, trusting you'll again help me out with a little perspective and insight.

Just a little correction first -- I think my first letter didn't do justice to the wonderful-ness of our relationship, so let me note that we're definitely closer to a romantic love story and solid, cool, digging-each-other, pass-the-Porch-Test kind of partnership than we are to any sort of paperwork shuffling. Hooray!

So with that said: any suggestions for wording a conversation to figure out what words he'd use to describe how he feels about me? Without, of course, making him feel pushed or pressured?

He certainly acts loving and caring towards me. During a family party, a sister of his got a little tipsy and dragged me off to tell me they're just waiting for him to realize how he feels about me, because everyone else can tell. Everyone but me! Seems like there should be a difference between "caring a lot" and being "in love" and I can't tell the difference just from actions. I need the words, but doubt I could say them first for fear of putting pressure on him to say them back.

So, should I hang tight and wait for him to figure it out? (If he already had it figured out, he'd tell me, right? And if he doesn't, then asking him won't produce a moment of clarity, will it?) By waiting I feel like I'm riding the autopilot thing deep into "I'm in love" territory and I'm afraid I will be alone there. I don't want to assume he's looking forward to a future together if he isn't. (But he asks me nest-y stuff like what kitchen cabinets would I prefer in my dream house and how many kids I want...) Help!

-- Georgia

Dear Georgia,

I'd practically be willing to state under oath that this guy's a Tiler. (As opposed to a Secured Credit UCC Article 9 filer.) Why? Well! "Kids?" "Kitchen cabinets?!" Especially now that you've clarified that you hadn't appropriately expressed the passion of your partnership, it strikes me that if a guy is tossing around the other L-word ("linoleum") then the word is as good as said. Contrary to -- or just more positive-spun than -- what his family says, he may well have already "realized" how he feels about you. For some, it's just a big step between "realize" and "verbalize." How come? Who knows. That's why people paint.

Still, if you feel strongly about taking this one to trial, the next time he mentions, I don't know, the wood-paneled station wagon, why don't you say something like: "This is gonna sound nuts in light of the fact that you just mentioned the wood-paneled station wagon, but is it fair for me to deduce from your line of questioning that you're committed to a future -- a FUTUREfuture -- together?" Then step back, don't push, see what he says. You'll have filed your motion; let him give it -- and himself -- due diligence. Worst case scenario, you'll have, in effect, read him your rights.

So yeah, maybe you didn't do yourselves justice when you first told BG the whole deal. But I believe that if you let the system do its work, you'll be tellin' it to a justice of the peace.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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