< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I am in hell. I've had one of those cute "joined at the hip since junior high bicker like an old married couple" best friend relationships with my best girlfriend for years. I was always uncomfortable in groups and stuck to her for safety. Neither of us has ever really dated. I went to college and got plunged into sexuality conundrums galore. I think I could be gay, but it's hard to find any lesbians to associate with in Outback USA and how else do you "know," ya know? I don't know if I'm in my crazy experimental phase or what the hell.

So, I'm having totally inappropriate thoughts about my best gal pal. The weird thing is, I don't know that she'd be altogether against it, except that she is seriously Catholic. I mean that I think there had always been an "element" there that neither of us wanted to admit. But I could be seeing things. I am totally confused. Either way it would totally flip her out if she knew about it. I feel like such a freak having these naughty thoughts when we're just hanging out and doing all the stuff we've always done together. I feel bizarre enough already without it being focused on "her". I'm trying to act normal around her and it's okay when we're together but it's just making me feel bummed after, and I can't be so open with her because I'm all withholding these feelings, so it's really lonely right now.

Now, she is graduating college and going to grad school far away, so I'll hardly be able to see her at all. I don't know if I'm a little relieved or disappointed that this is happening, plus I'm losing my best bud. How do I deal? Help, help, help.

-- Is This the Closet or Am I Just Lost?

Dear Closet,

Summary: You're losing your best bud, who, arguably, is the person to whom you'd be talking about these feelings, if only they weren't for her. Argh. The first part would be angsty enough in itself! So...let's keep that part to itself. Your feelings are still so swirly and up in the air; I wouldn't want them to come between your, um, hips until/unless you are certain of them. Maybe not even then.

Especially because you're not sure if you really LIKElike her and are just realizing that, or if you're having all these funny LIKElike feelings for women and Oh! There's an excellent one right there! They may be looking for a -- seemingly -- solid and worthwhile place to roost.

So. You may be in Outback USA, but you are also in, so to speak, America Online. (And by the way, as far as lesbians go, which is far, don't think for a second that they're not all around you.) But I'd look to the Internet as a place to investigate and explore those feelings -- in a reading/writing empathy way; like, find testimonies of people who didn't-know-how-they-felt just like you and see how they resolved it. You may also find a community -- even one that could direct you to the real-life one in Of Course There Are Lesbians Here, USA.

Besides that, it's possible that finding that alternative/online outlet will take some of the pressure / weirdness off your interaction with your best friend. Try to enjoy your summer with her. Try to establish parameters for your platonic long-distance relationship. Make sure you have a real, solid platonic friend or two where you are who can help ease your general loneliness. Then continue seeing whether what you've got in the closet really fits those hips.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >