< PREVIOUS   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all: you rock. I read your columns every week and savor every last morsel. I'm ridiculously in awe of you. Your book is going to be my summer read, and then it will become my Bible.

Second of all: HELP! My situation is very similar to that of GR, he of the Bob/Carol/Ted/Alice shenanigans, but there's a twist to mine. I met this great guy, Mr. Wonderful ("W" for brevity's sake), and we dated while I was on "a break" from my longtime boyfriend ("Ex"). We only dated for a couple of months, but we fell in love, and I panicked. I couldn't handle the feelings because I was still so torn up about the "break." I broke it off, went back with Ex where it was "safe," and after a couple of awkward months, W and I became very close friends. We've remained friends over the years, very close friends, in fact, and we've often talked about getting back together, but the timing has always been wrong.

Coincidentally, shortly after we broke up, Ex joined the social circle that W was in, and they have been friends ever since. Ex was always extremely jealous of the friendship I had with W, because it was obvious that it was more than friendship. Ex and I split up for good two years ago, and he's married now, and W has a serious girlfriend. Ex and I also remain friends. W's giving me signs that he still has feelings for me. And I'm completely in love with him, after all this time, but I haven't done anything about it because (a) he has a girlfriend and (b) I live 1000 miles away now because I moved to attend my dream school.

So, yes, this is very much like GR's letter. Do I say anything? Do I keep it to myself? Is the friendship more important than a romance, or the other way around? But here's the twist: a few nights ago, Ex and I talked. We talked for several hours, and towards the middle of the conversation, I mentioned the grad schools I was looking into. One of them happens to be in the city where W lives. (W is not the reason I'm looking at that grad school, by the way. You can be proud of me, BG; I plan my life around no man, one of revelations I made after the big breakup with Ex.) Anyway, Ex promptly asked me if I'm still in love with W. I said yes, and he launched into a speech that I never thought I would get from him.

He told me that I needed to act and quickly. He said that if things progress at the rate they're going, W will marry his girlfriend within the next two years, though he's NOT in love with her. Ex said (and he would know better than I, since he lives near them and spends time with them) that theirs is a relationship like ours was -- safe, comfortable, and convenient. And, he pointed out, just like ours, it's not meant to be. He said that he had always been jealous of what W and I had, because he could see us breaking up, and he could see W and me making it. He said that he and I were meant to teach each other, but W and I were meant to be together. I asked him just what I was supposed to do, living so far away and not having the option of moving for another year and a half, and he told me that I need to tell W how I feel and what my intentions are, and then I need to do everything in my power to see him. He kept saying how happy he would be when W and I get together, and I asked him why he could say when and not if. He said it's always been when, and he's always known.

So, once again, BG -- HELP!! I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone, but I have always regretted the fact that timing has always been bad for us. He's wonderful, and we're wonderful together, and he says that the feelings that he has when he's with me (a mixture of elation, excitement, mischief, and desire, according to a recent letter) are feelings that he has never had with anyone else, just with me. This is making me crazy, and I need some guidance. You're the greatest superhero ever!!

--A Walking, Breathing Soap Opera

Dear Soap Opera,

And you're not telling him how you feel because ... ?

Oh, right.

1. "He has a girlfriend. "

I say: not an issue. Now wait. I know I sound unsisterly, but remember, poaching is not the same as, er, sharing. And I'm not just egging you on because of the information your ex so generously shared. Strictly speaking, it's none of your business; though it's helpful in that at least one (reliable?) source has confirmed that you wouldn't be barging, feet muddy, into the picture of perfect bliss (and that, to be fair, I wouldn't be so quick to recommend). Also: it's not your job to do her an unsolicited favor, but one could argue that if her boyfriend has recently used the words "elation, excitement, mischief, and desire" in a letter to -- and "only" to -- someone else, well, she should have the opportunity to get that info (its implications, anyway) one way or another.

2. "I live 1,000 miles away from him."

That is a huge distance/pain. Oh, yes. But: people do put the "relationship" in "long distance relationship." Like, there is such a thing. Not that they don't take work. Lots. But Soap, 1,000 miles and a year and a half (at least, depending) are -- in theory -- nothing compared to "completely." As in "in love." First love, then logistics. (And here's one ham-handed "at least!" -- At least, if your declaration meets with rancor or, God forbid, indifference, you're ... 1000 miles away.

Now, Soap. I know you're all "I plan my life around no man," and well, yay! But speaking your mind -- according to spirit and letter of The Guy at the End of the Bar / BG law -- and even adjusting your existence, when warranted, is not giving up, it's making room. So don't worry about that. Oh, and I know it's not "safe." But isn't that the idea?

Let us know what happens.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Thanks for the props!

 
< PREVIOUS   ||   NEXT LETTER >