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(Your "Self-Esteem" Do Tells, continued.)

Loneowl: Right now I'm a fairly content art college student. But in high school -- heck, all the way back to middle school -- I was a pretty pathetic specimen of loserdom. I tried to be whatever I thought would be pleasing to other people -- nice, quiet, a good student -- but no one cared. I had maybe one and a half friends the entire time, and I hated myself. I thought I was fat, ugly, and a freak. But I got sick of it. My life was miserable. So I changed it. I stopped caring about what other people thought of me and started living for myself. I joined the art club; I became the editor of the student newspaper; I jumped headfirst into class debates, and I never apologized for having my own opinion. I even made a few friends by introducing myself to total strangers (which is the most terrifying thing that I've ever done, but when you don't have any friends, EVERYONE is a stranger, so it was either that, or find a convenient bridge to jump off of). And slowly I realized that life wasn't that bad, and that I wasn't as useless of a person as I thought I was. And then I went to college and found people who appreciate my uniqueness. I have friends now who will help me through the bad times (like when my First True Love told me he wasn't -- ouch), and I feel great about my life and myself.

The most important thing I can say is that IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOURSELF, NO ONE ELSE WILL EITHER. Yeah, that's harsh, but it's true. And it isn't easy to change, even if I made it sound that way. I spent a lot of days terrified of what I was trying to do. I still occasionally have to hit myself over the head to remind myself that all these people really do care for me, that it isn't some big mistake. And you can't wallow in self-pity anymore, despite the pleasures of that pasttime.

Samantha: I'm 30 years old, and it's only really in recent months that I've actually got some kind of grip on/better understanding of the nature of self-esteem. I still have bad days when I lack confidence, but I tend to recognize them and have strategies for dealing with them now.

The key to beating this for me was recognizing when negative thoughts of low self-esteem were coming into my head. Once I was at the point where I recognized a thought as a negative and demoralizing one, I could then put a new thought into my head that was positive and self-affirming.

Example: I am in a group situation where people are laughing and talking, some are strangers, some already know each other. I find I am not contributing to the conversation. The thought enters my head -- "I am not clever/funny/confident enough for these people; I have nothing to contribute here; these people would not like me." Previously, I would have quietly finished my drink and snuck off home with a long face. Now, as soon as I recognize that the thought has entered my head, I replace it with these words: "It is OK just to listen; it is OK to be silent and quiet; when I have something to say, it will naturally come out of my mouth." It does work, and I actually begin to enjoy the evening, reaffirming the positive thought each time I feel myself beginning to slip back into negativity.

Mercutio: As a young man, I had a variety of self-esteem issues. I tended to avoid confrontation to the point where I hid from authority figures and babbled incessantly when talking with women I found attractive. While I still have a propensity to fumble linguistically around beautiful women, I have found some semblance of self esteem and confidence...Seven summers ago, I went on a ropes course as part of the training to be a tutor counselor at the local Upward Bound program. I had always been afraid of heights, but as I went through the course and a mountain climbing event later that summer, I realized that I was more afraid of appearing afraid in front of my colleagues. This forced me to find strength not to appear afraid and to complete a course which terrified me, but which I knew to be safe. For me, this form of therapy worked much better than any psychology book or counselor. But it's not limited to a ropes course or rappelling down a mountainside; if there is a park ride you have always been afraid of, go on it. If you have always been afraid of snakes, visit a zoo with an ophidian exhibit. If you are shy around the opposite sex, go to a bar with a dance floor and set a goal to ask at least one person to dance with you. Even if they turn you down, you have pushed yourself.

Brad: Self-esteem. I used to lack it. Completely. I found fault in the way I looked, the way I talked, the way I walked. I used to wish that I was someone else, someone handsome, someone rich, someone famous. Hell, just someone else. I also let girls walk all over me. I'd let crushes go without ever telling them how I felt. I wanted acceptance, but at the same time I figured that lack of acceptance was due to my not being good enough to be accepted.

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