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Your Do Tells truly put the "team" -- though not the correct spelling
-- in "esteem." See, if BG said "Join a club!" or "Find
a hobby!" or "Give yourself some TLC!" she would sound like a
lame unoriginal dork. But when you guys tell me that that's what you did --
and it worked -- well, there you go. Thanks to everyone who wrote.
Anonymous: For the longest time, I would go through cycles where I truly
needed to be with someone to feel worthy. While I was in college, I got into
a turbulent relationship -- I felt the need to hold on no matter how he treated
me (which wasn't too great most of the time). When I was with him, I felt such
a sense of "self-worth" (albeit the superficial kind) that I never
wanted to let go. It ended about a year ago, and there is one basic truth that
truly helped me through it: I figured out that it's better to be alone and OK
than to be with someone and unhappy. I know that often being in a relationship
infuses us with a potent feeling that somehow it makes us a "good enough" person.
But how can something as important and as delicate as
a sense of self-worth come from someone else?
Terminally Single Guy:
Self-esteem is something I've had serious problems with for a loooooong time
and am very slowly working my way through. I have a few tips that will hopefully
help out:
1. Treat yourself right. My tendency is to be really harsh on myself. "You
moron, why did you think that would work? You should know better!" When
you're thinking to yourself, think like you would talk to your best friend if
s/he were in a similar situation. Be supportive to yourself, but be honest.
In relationships, this is especially important because it is impossible to know
exactly what other people think, but it is all too easy to beat yourself up
for not predicting their thoughts accurately.
2. Do What Is In YOUR Best Interest/Be "Selfish." A few weeks ago,
I decided to tell a good friend I was interested in her. I knew if I didn't,
then I would pine after her for a long time, and it would hurt me a lot. The
time it took to tell her and work through it was difficult, and unfortunately
she decided against anything beyond a friendship, but when everything was said
and done, I had done what I needed to do for ME. I worried if it would have
a negative impact on her, but my mental health was also at stake and I decided
that was more important. Afterwards, I felt great because I had done
something for me instead of worrying more about what other people thought. (We're
still good friends now, by the way.)
3. Give it time. In my case, it took years to build up my lack of self-esteem.
It won't appear overnight.
Robin: I have learned to "act as if." Even if I don't believe that I'm
worth a damn, I can sometimes summon up my courage to
pretend for an hour or a day that I truly believe that I'm hot sh*t. It grows
on you and gets a little easier each time. After a while, it doesn't seem like
such a lie anymore.
Diane: Throughout high school and college, I had MAJORLY low self-esteem.
I can remember thinking how ugly I was, how untalented, etc. I also cared so
much about what other people thought of me that I would try to anticipate what
they wanted from me and how they wanted me to act. I can't
really describe how I stopped being so self-destructive, but a lot of it has
to do with my enrolling in improv classes. I found out I was good at
doing something I love and that boosted my confidence. Once my confidence was
boosted, I noticed that I became a lot more attractive to guys. I also made
friends through doing improv -- good friends, not friends who criticized me.
Now I'm still acting and doing improv, and even though there is a lot of rejection
in this biz, I know I'm good, I know I'm attractive, and I know I can do what
I set my mind to do. When I read my scribblings from high school and college,
it makes me realize that I've really come a long way!
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