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SHOUTOUTS

To Rachel from Kristen:

You are not alone. I also had a pretty brutal breakup that seems so long ago. I have tried to date; I've gone so far as to make plans to go on dates but when it came time to go out, I flaked and canceled. Somehow, hanging out at home and watching TV sounded so much better. At least more relaxing.

I've taken a really good look at why I do this, and what I've come up with is probably everything you've already heard. I'm absolutely terrified of getting hurt again. I give my heart away, and it gets broken. After this last time, I just wasn't sure I could do it again. So I have given myself time off because it's the only thing that has made me feel OK. I haven't dated, and I haven't kissed.

I've learned that it's OK to not date, even if you aren't dating because you're afraid. Sometimes this will happen because you need to be alone. I'm finding out that the easier you are on yourself and the less pressure you put on yourself to get out there and date (because it's the only way to move on etc.), the more you are able to heal. I'm healing and thinking about dating. You know what? It doesn't panic me or stress me out or make me really tired. (That's how I felt when I had a date lined up.) Instead, it makes me happy that I've finally reached that place where I look forward to the date.

Maybe nothing I said will help, but I really wanted you to know you are not alone in how you are feeling and that you shouldn't date because you "feel you should" or because your friends think you've been mourning long enough. Do things at your pace and accept that when you are ready it will happen. Good luck!

To Anti-Snob from Juliet:

Yes, been there, done that. It can be very weird to live in Suburbia 90210. And it seems to me that your question isn't really about this guy, it's more about how to handle the ickiness of living in an all-white, all-rich town. Advice based on my experience: judge yourself as you judge others. Prejudging people is not just about thinking less of someone because they are poor or drive a bad car or aren't as educated. Prejudging can also be about thinking someone is a snob because they drive an Audi and live in a suburban palace (my house was Tara-on-the-Hudson, white pillars and all). You are what you are and live where you live. You need to accept that you aren't a snob because of where you live. Only then will you not worry about other people.

When you meet people, you don't have to say where you're from until they ask. And when they ask, answer truthfully. You can always follow up with, "The town's a little snobby, but I just try to ignore that." As for the house, try to make a joke of it, just to show that you know it's a little much. See my "Tara-on-the-Hudson" remark for starters. And cut folks out there some slack. Only a snob would think that others would be intimidated by a big house.

To Calpurnia from Wise Old Soul:

As the world's oldest (29 and not a bit sorry) living virgin and survivor of a "tampons are evil" household, I do have plenty of empathy. You're human, and you're naturally "blaming" your virginity for the date rape (bad virginity, bad, bad). The rape very well could have happened anyway, virginity or no. Also, there's no guarantee your romantic relationship with your understanding boyfriend would have worked out even with sex. I don't agree that "don't wait too long" is very handy advice. Who's to say how long is too long? If you're scared, then it cannot possibly be the right time for you.

To Looking For Sanity in All the Wrong Places from Kelly:

DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH THIS GUY EVEN IF GIVEN THE CHANCE!!! I have been in this exact situation: best friends with a guy who was dating a harpy who was also a friend of mine. They were having worse-than-usual problems -- which is saying a lot -- and she, perceiving somehow that I was trying to sabotage her relationship when I honestly had no romantic feelings for him, abruptly stopped talking to me. They broke up about a week later. Soon after that, he confessed that he had feelings for me. I was very skeptical, because this is a guy that cannot function out of a relationship; he always needs a girlfriend. I figured he thought he liked me but actually only needed a "someone," and since I had been so caring and supportive, his feelings for Her transferred to me. He assured me that that was not the case, and somehow swept me off my feet.

Well, less than a month later, guess what? He realized that he only cared for me as a friend, got back together with her, and in the course of a week and a half, stopped speaking to me. She, of course, hates me with a passion, which I suppose I understand. So, while the loss of the "love" (or something) relationship didn't bother me, I not only lost the best friend, but half of my friend-group, which divided sharply over this issue. The moral of the story is: don't get in the middle of two people who are "meant to be together." In the long run, you'll be the only one to get hurt.

BG responds: See LFSIATWP's update here!

To Skinny Insomniac from Anonymous:

Here's a book recommendation for you: Otherwise Engaged. It's a funny Bridget Jones-style account of what happens to a woman and her relationship when she gets engaged. (And I think dating angst is bad!)

 
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