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Dear Breakup Girl,

Arrgh. I've been dating this guy for about ten months and it's been really good -- we're friends, we're lovers -- it's one of the best relationships I've ever had. But, after ten months, he still won't call me his girlfriend. Says he "doesn't like the term." Instead, he says we're "seeing each other" or "dating." Not only do I think this is really lame, it drives me nuts, and I've told him so -- plenty of times. We're both exclusive to each other, he tells me he's crazy about me, has told me on several occasions that he's in love with me. I have absolutely no reason to disbelieve him. So what's the deal?!? He has used the term "girlfriend" before -- in past relationships! We're certainly behaving like girlfriend/boyfriend. Yet, he says he's not ready to call me that.

BG, maybe it's not a big deal, but I can't get over it. What's he waiting for? This, coupled with the fact that he has yet to introduce me to his parents (at least they know about me) makes me feel like a temporary person in his life. Sure, he tells me I'm the bomb, introduces me (by name, not "title") to his friends and coworkers, treats me like I deserve to be treated -- but I'm stuck on this one thing!!!

Part of me feels like I'm making too much of it, but the other part feels like this is a real dealbreaker for me. I need to know that this is real for him and that, for now, he's committed to me (even if it could end some time in the future). I need it to be shouted out to me and to everyone else. But I don't want to end a good thing if I'm just stuck on a title. Ay yi yi!

--Miranda.

Dear Miranda,

Well, I would throw the book at your "boyfriend" -- if I hadn't heard my friend Tess' story:

"I'd been dating/sleeping with Dan for a few months. He kept telling me I wasn't his girlfriend (yet) and insisting that I continue to see other people. But we both knew we were exclusive because I was with him all the time. So I was like, 'Oh, okay, I'll have some guy take me to dinner and then drop me off at your place.' Finally, the last time he said '...but you're not my girlfriend,' I told him that was lame and hurtful

Back at his apartment that night he gave me his high school jacket -- we were in our late 20s at the time, so it was very adorable/Happy Days -- and a flower and asked me to be his girlfriend. It was, for the record, three months after our first date ... probably two since sleeping together and one month before he told me he loved me."

Reader, she married him.

(So maybe you should throw this book?)

What was Dan's damage? Tess says:

"Turned out he was skittish because I'd just gotten out of a serious live-in relationship. He wanted to make sure I wasn't rebounding, etc. Basically, he did want the 'girlfriend' kind of commitment; but he was just protecting himself until -- he thought -- I got the other guy(s) out of my system. He'd even had the jacket 'ritual' in mind for a while -- I just spurred him on when I called him on the 'girlfriend' thing. He knew from the fact that I'd started to get anxious about it that I was ready to get more serious with him."

Now I realize your circumstances are a bit different ... seven months different, for one thing. But I just wanted to allow for the fact that your "boyfriend" might be, well, a Tiler (also here) of sorts. I mean, we all have words we loathe ("pocketbook," "dungarees," "moist," "glean"), and even if we employ alternatives, well, jeans are jeans are jeans. I know he's said "girlfriend" before, but maybe in less serious relationships? Maybe now the stakes are higher? Maybe now it's a bigger word? Because maybe now this time he means it? So maybe now that one little gap serves as his random security blanket?

But of course I can see why you're stuck .on this. Your deal may walk like a relationship and talk like a relationship and look like a relationship, but all your ducks are not in a row. Plus: he can say L_ _ _ _, but not G_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ? What gives? How, at the end of the day, do you know whether his having this one toe out is a security blanket...or an escape pod?

First, throw the book at me for that mixed metaphor. Then find a way to dodge the power struggle over the word itself. Maybe say something to him like, well, your fourth paragraph. As in: "Here's what the term means to me. If you don't want to say it for now, fine. But what simile can you offer that also means 'real' and 'committed' to you? (Maybe introduce me to your parents?)" Then listen to the words in your gut. Yes, at some point, sure, he'll have to grow/speak up. But if you do believe now that all his other terms -- not to mention actions -- of endearment are sincere, well, you just might hear it when you're not listening so hard.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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