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SHOUTOUTS

To Curious About The Rules from Wally:

I think the biggest, and least acknowledged, problem with The Rules is the type of man it attempts to reel in. When a woman doesn't return my calls, cuts calls short, and makes herself unavailable, I assume she's not interested and doesn't have the nerve to say so directly. So I don't pursue. Most men will do the same, the nice ones anyway. Which man won't lose interest in a Rules woman? A man who doesn't pay attention and doesn't know he's being avoided, a man who refuses to take No for an answer, a man who is obsessed with his Rules woman, or a man who is seeking a difficult "conquest" for a special notch on the bedpost. That's right, ladies, using The Rules, you can get one of these men to give you a ring; do you really want it?

To Rebecca from Jen:

Your recently-divorced sweetie may have had every reason to turn into Freaked-Protective-Kneejerk-Reacting Dad when his ex called that first morning. It sounds like his ex turned into Freaked-Protective Mom, too. BUT. For future reference, I submit the following:

1) For one thing, BG is right; her daughter could easily blow his cover.
2) His ex actually does have a right to know where he's living and with whom if their daughter is going to have regular overnight visits.
3) This kid is little. How long does he want to go on trying to hide his life? Can he really do that for the next, oh, 15 years or so until she's grown?
4) What kind of example is he setting for his daughter by lying about his current relationship?

My own story: When I started dating again after my ex-partner and I broke up, I was reeeeally worried about what she would think about our kids (a four-year-old and a one-year-old) spending time around my new girlfriend. It took me a few months to muster the courage to introduce them to each other, and boy am I glad I finally did. They actually get along pretty well, and my ex has started to think of my girlfriend as part of the family. Things feel a little strange from time to time, but it's all relatively fresh still. I hope the three of you adults can work out something similarly happy. Good luck.

To Steve from Bethany:

Oh Steve. Your situation sounds EXACTLY like one I was in over ten years ago. I totally relate to your ex-girlfriend. And take it from me, someone who has been there: she will be kicking herself silly in a little while. My Steve totally loved me. He was awesome; he "understood" me, really and truly understood me; he was fun, cute, an all-around great guy, and I broke his heart. I was into playing the field and always looking for a "challenge," not really realising what an awesome man I had right in front of me. It wasn't until a year went by that I realised what I had so foolishly thrown away.

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes, you can't help a person. They have to learn things the hard way, as painful as it is for you and will be for her. No matter that it just doesn't seem fair. My Steve and I remained friends for years afterwards, somewhat sporadically, and I'd always hoped that we would get back together eventually, but what I never wanted to face was that I broke his heart and nothing would ever be the same again. Steve is married now to a wonderful woman (not me), and I love him still. The lesson I learned was incrediably painful, but not one I will ever forget. The right girl is out there for you. Don't give up.

To BG from Brad:

No question, just a note of thanks! Recently, after 15 months of wonderful dating, my boyfriend gave me the "I need space" speech. Since I was busily picking out our china pattern, I was rather freaked out. I jumped on the net and read all your columns about space. I went back to him and told him that if he needed a break, that was OK, but he needed to outline his expectations for the break and establish a reasonable timetable. Faced with that, he said he really intended a breakup. So I'm sad about that, but I'm also proud of myself for standing up for myself and not allowing myself to hang out in Limboland forever. Thanks for your always helpful advice!

To BG from Imogen:

I was just reading some of your archives and came upon your very impressive column about revenge. I just wanted to (belatedly) share with you a little tale of my own on the subject, from which came my principle of karma-revenge. To wit: if the ex has treated you badly, the best thing you can do is leave it to the cosmos to ensure he gets what's coming to him, while you sit tight on the moral highground and remain serenely above it all. I was recently dumped by my boy after two years -- perfectly legal, of course -- who then started going out with someone else (from work) very quickly -- again, technically legal, but very, very tacky.

Because of said legality, however, revenge was not really an option, so I sat back and waited, and sure enough, the fireworks began. First of all, I should say that before he got together with her, he went round and earnestly consulted all his friends, asking if it was too soon and if it was the right thing to do, thereby ensuring everyone knew both what was going on and also how seriously he was taking it. He also consulted me; I told him he was an idiot and it would be a disaster. Three weeks later, she dumps him, saying she's not ready for a relationship (the line he used on me). Beautiful. But it got better: a couple of weeks later, he found out she'd started dating a friend of his, also at work. He took some time off work to deal with all this, only to find on his return that his desk had been moved so that it was now next to her and opposite her new flame and his erstwile friend.

Schaudenfreude!? I laughed so much I nearly fell right off that moral highground. I wanted to pass this on because I am now SO GLAD that I resisted the temptation to get medieval on his ass after we broke up. I think this is a key problem with revenge: go ahead with your plans in the maelstrom of the moment, and you'll soon find yourself looking back in calmer times and wincing at your lack of cool. I think some people often do a far better job of making themselves look like idiots than you ever could, so you're best off doing the being-happy-being-single thing and leaving the revenge thing to the people who do it best, namely whoever's in charge of karma and the ex themselves. Just some thoughts. Congratulations on your superb site; many's the time you've made me laugh when I've been down, and I've always appreciated it.

BG responds: Who-hoo to both of you! Thanks.

 
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