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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I had a crush on a girl since the first week of school. I would always see her walking around and each time I did, I seriously got dizzy, but it never seemed like the opportunity presented itself to get to know her. Fast forward two years: I run into her at a random bar and I take advantage of the opportunity presented to me, make conversation, say we should hang out, get her number, and make my exit. So, a few days go by, I ask her if she wants to do something, we go out, and an amazing time ensues. We stay up till dawn talking. Yes, just talking, she was cool. So I start thinking about making the move when the catch comes ... she has an LD sort of boyfriend. That's right, long distance. Problem. So I tell her I understand and that I still want to hang out, just cuz she's so cool and we get along so well.

After the third time we hung out, we were lying on her bed at like three in the morning and all of a sudden, she just mauls me. I was caught off guard, but in a very good way. She breaks up with LD guy the next day. Ah, yes, the honeymoon period follows: 24-7, sleeping over, Oh my God, you're perfect; Oh my god, so are you. It was awesome, like nothing I had ever experienced. I have never had a girlfriend (because I never settle), but she totally convinced me she was worthy. After much convincing and seduction (on her part), I sleep with her, both knowing it's my first time. It was great, no regrets, couldn't have thought of a more perfect night. Then she tells me she's falling in love with me, to which I respond that I am too; I am just afraid because I've never fallen so hard before. She tells me not to be, and like that, I'm not.

I had never had a girlfriend; I guess I also fall into the nice guy category. I used to think it was my looks, but then I started going out to bars and stuff and found that I got a lot of attention. I can't tell you how many times girls have told me that I'm too good for them. They say that I'm everything they could ever want and that they wish they could like me. So finally, a girl who appreciates me!

Spring break comes and goes, and I pick her up from the airport (drove two hours to do so, but since we were exclusive, I figured I wasn't being "too" nice). I notice she isn't all that excited to see me, which isn't like her at all. She's usually very touchy feely. She talks on the cell phone the whole way home and waits until she can't ignore me any longer. We'd been in her place for, like, two hours when she mentions that -- guess what? -- she "happened" to run into her ex-boyfriend!

She starts talking about how incredible and wonderful he is. She says that she feels weird because she is always open with how much she likes him, and even though he never says it, she knows that he feels the same way. (??) She says she doesn't want to give up what we have and that she's really confused (I'll say), but she keeps talking about this guy.

I wanted to scream.

Are they all like this? Just when you think you find one who's mature and above all the insecurity, they fall for a guy who doesn't tell them what they want to hear. They fall for the challenge. The guy who doesn't talk. I'm sitting in front of her, the guy she said she's falling in love with: the perfect lover, friend, perfect everything, yet she's fantasizing about Silent Bob, whom she can't be with for like three years. And then she tells me I'm everything: looks, humor, heart, talent, not afraid to make myself vulnerable, on and on. Yet, she doesn't want that.

So I make it easy on her. I tell her that I have to move on and let her go because I can't deal with that. My friends were proud, and she totally agreed. But it's just so damn hard to let go of the best thing that I ever had. I'm dying here. On top of that, I hear that his motives should be seriously questioned, and that comes from his friends who are still here.

I'm trying to be her friend, but I can tell that she is going to be devastated by this guy someday. And when she does, she'll come back to me, wondering why she gave me up, but it's already too late. And it kills me because she loses. I'll have moved on and found someone who makes me happier than she did, but she'll get screwed.

What to do? Being friends is killing me. I can't figure out why she's telling me that I am the best guy she ever met, especially if she picked some other guy over me. And every conversation we have, she mentions his name all the time, and each time, it feels like a kick in the chest. She gets the security and friendship from me without any attachment, and meanwhile has this fantasy relationship with this guy; they were only together a month and half before he moved away. But I still care for her and want to see her happy, even if it's not with me. In short, help me.

-- Steve, Everything They Say They Want But Not Really

Oh Steve,

Go freaking figure. Goooooooooo figure. Listen: some people chase chaos. Choose chaos. That is what "they" (not even a girl "they;" a people "they") do. That, it seems, is what she seeks in Silent Bob. It sucks, it bites, it makes no logical sense. It is, by definition, illogical. Hence its appeal. What can I tell you?

Meantime, remember this IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: For every guy wondering why women go for bad guys, there's a woman wondering where all the nice guys are. You finished last this time, yes. But take heart: it was only the first.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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