< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

It's only Day One after the big breakup with the love of my life, and I won't get into why or how; just suffice it to say that it was the right thing to do and I'm being good about reminding myself of that through all the "well, it really wasn't that bad" second thoughts. My question is, what do I do now? What I feel like doing is curling up on the couch with an order of cheese fries, a pint of Chunky Monkey, one bottle each Captain Morgan and Dr Pepper, and watching Billy Madison or some similarly intellectual treat. And I don't feel like emerging to hear everyone's sympathetic noises and requests for more details. In short, I want to wallow.

But I also kind of feel obligated to propel my single butt out the door and exercise, do community service, attend lectures, get my nails done, and just generally welcome the opportunity to better and renew myself. Option Two would probably make me feel better in the long run -- all the couch would leave me is pudgy, broken out, and quoting Adam Sandler -- but I just can't seem to scare up the energy to go be a dynamic single girl right now. It doesn't feel natural. What's the best thing to do, and what's the statute of limitations on post-breakup moping?

--Shell Shock

Dear Shell Shock,

It's been one day.

One day.

In breakup time, which is roughly the opposite of dog time, it's been, like, seven seconds.

Frankly, I'm impressed that you made it to the keyboard, never mind crafted such an articulate and colorful question at a time when the most that people can usually muster is, "Dear Breakup Girl, It's been one day since qWeRtyUiop lKjhGfdSa."

So what do you do, besides think, "Excellent, thanks, Breakup Girl, but how will my jaunty writing skills help me NOT DIE ALONE?"

Look, Shell Shock, you've definitely got the key to Wallow City for more than one day. In fact, for now, you're the mayor. Live there, in a big couchy mansion with magic food machines like the Jetsons. It's not about the long run, right now. It's about letting the breakup start to run its course. Use this time to purge the toxins. (All that health-nut good-person stuff in Option Two will eventually help you purge the toxins you consumed in order to do so.) A stiff upper lip will only crack later. In fact, only after doing Option One will you be able to get back out there and be a Pepper, sans Captain.

That said, you should not wait to feel 110% better before you get back out there and do Pilates/neighborhood cleanup/nails/etc. You won't. And actually, you should keep in mind that corny little factoid about how when you smile, your mouth sends "happy now!" chemicals to your brain, which obeys. So you should wait to feel good ... enough. Like, to get dressed. Because you know what I say -- IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: Over It doesn't mean that you never think of that person, or that it doesn't smart when you do. It does mean that there just might be a little piece of him/her stuck on your back, in that place you can't reach. But it's on your back, not in your way. And when your activity-packed Palm starts to send "happy and renewed now!" beams, your heart and mind might just start to obey.

Speaking of which, did you notice the community service BG just performed? I did not take that bait and quote from Billy Madison.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >