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Dear Breakup Girl,

Lori and Phil have been friends for over ten years -- they met their freshman year of college. Phil, to Lori, was one of those guy friends that you never think of on a sexual level. Phil, I suspect, just suppressed the sexual level because he knew where he stood with her and never felt encouraged to push it. A great, close friendship ensued.

Until ... Lori went to visit Phil in Spain just after graduation from college and one night, after large quantities of -- say -- sangria, one thing led to another and they got sexual.

Lori was a rather surprised. I'm betting Phil was absolutely thrilled. Lori, being a very practical and well-thought-out woman, determined that it was OK that they embark on a more-than-friends relationship. They had been dating for about two years back in Chicago when Phil decided to leave town for graduate school. Phil and Lori, valuing their friendship and determined to continue it, "negotiated" a breakup. It's a little hard to understand -- and, I think, demonstrates their unique and precious friendship -- but they set a date for the breakup (four months later, when he would be leaving town) and, in an attempt to be gradual about it, even determined a date at which they would stop having sex. Well, it worked. The transition from boyfriend-girlfriend to just friends happened rather seamlessly.

Lori has dated other men, and Phil's been supportive throughout. Phil's dated other women, and Lori's happy for him. Phil tried on a couple occasions to reunite with Lori, but Lori now knew that Phil just didn't supply her with the more-than-friends satisfaction she was looking for.

Now, Phil is engaged and getting married to Lynn in early July. Lori, because she hasn't lived in the same city as Phil for more than three years, doesn't really know Lynn, but she is, of course, happy for him. Well, a couple of weeks ago, Phil sent an e-mail to Lori confessing that when he was dating her four years ago (pre-negotiated breakup time, for clarification), he cheated on her with none other than Lynn.

Turns out Lynn lived in the same city as us at the time. Having gone to the same high school, Lynn and Phil had a mutual friend who was in town visiting. They all went out -- including Lori -- and, evidently, Lynn and Phil got really drunk and ended up kissing. (We think this was the first time that Lynn and Phil saw each other in Chicago.) Now Lori can forgive a one-time drunken indiscretion, but it turns out that following that incident, Phil and Lynn got together as "more than friends" a couple of times and even had sex for five seconds, before he realized what a butthead idiot he was being. Shortly thereafter, Lynn moved out of town for another job.

So now, here we are, four years after the incident and two months before the wedding. We're wondering why Phil told her this now. Phil claims that he was afraid he would lose his friendship with Lori if he told her (should've thought of that...!), but now that he's making this "rite of passage" (his cheesy words) into married life, "he and Lynn feel that they shouldn't keep secrets from each other or their friends" (again, his words). Also, since it is part of their "how we met" story, most of their friends, including a number of people in the wedding party, know about Lynn and Phil's infidelities; Lynn was living with a boyfriend at the time she hooked up with Phil, so Phil was concerned that Lori would learn about it at the wedding. (Can I just mention what an adorable wedding toast story that would've made?!)

We think Phil didn't tell Lori initially because it would ruin, forever, any chance of Lori and Phil reuniting. Now enter Lynn who, feeling threatened by Lori (?), forces Phil to tell Lori in order to both forever-alter Lori and Phil's friendship and possibly stop Lori from attending the wedding, much less serving as usher, as Phil requested.

The big question is, should Lori attend the wedding? On the one hand, they're friends and the mistakes happened a long time ago ... but it has really shattered Lori's image of Phil. She thought if she could count on one person to be noble and faithful, it would be Phil. Unfortunately, regardless, it's really taken the joy out of the whole event for Lori and anyone who has a hard time being happy for someone who causes harm to her. I always speak highly of you to her (and to all of my friends, actually) and would love to know what you think of the situation. Thanks!

--Lori's Faithful Friend

Dear Lori's Faithful Friend,

If you ask me, Phil's been reading way too many urban legends. And not enough wedding etiquette books, because somewhere in one of them it's got to say that you can't ask someone to ush and to understand that you cheated on them with the person you're marrying.

And as for Lynn, what, did dredging up the Lori thing allow her to check off "Something Old?"

Sorry, but not every "rite of passage" requires some sort of quasi-mystical coming-clean. In my opinion, even that little gold band does not require some — false — gold standard of full disclosure. People come with pasts, and some of them are in wedding parties. Other people should, ideally, deal. With dignity. Not hurtful, selfish disclosure masquerading as such.

Where does that leave Lori? Oh gosh, I don't know. I'm tempted to say -- especially since she was over Phil-qua-boyfriend a long time ago -- she should hold her head high and go have fun, not let old news make her something blue. But I know, it's also more about Phil as a Person than it is about Phil as an -Anderer during that specific time. So honestly, as circular as this sounds, I think she should do — and feel comfortable doing — whatever she wants. It doesn't have to be a Statement. If she thinks the wedding will be totally sucky, no matter how hard she forces her game face, then hell, she shouldn't bother. She can send him a nice note, and a gift, and leave it elegantly at that. If she feels that it will be more of A Thing if she doesn't go, then she should silkily soldier on, getting tacit props for being the retro-wounded yet ever-classy party. With friends like you ushering her, she should be just fine.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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