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Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, it's been over a month since I was (what I love to refer to in shout) DUMPED OUT OF THE BLUE by my beloved boyfriend. Pillows have bounced back into shape; they no longer wilt from my tears; the cats no longer look at me for ten full seconds to gage my mood; and the words out of my friends mouths are more varied than simply, "How are you today with everything?" My thoughts and plans are no longer just he-he-he.

He dumped me because he had to write his dissertation, and I was a distraction and needy. He could not bear to devote himself to us. And I, in a moment of uncontrolled hysteria, said, "I fit in raising a son, a full time career, friends, and activities, and you can't do two things??" To that he said, "Maybe it's not you I want to give time up for." It was as if my heart beat right out of my body from the pain of that one sentence. We split, had a couple of weeks of silence, and then he began calling last week just to check in. He asked why I hadn't called; he wanted to know what was going on in my life, how we were, etc. He even got us from the airport yesterday after a trip and offered to coach my son's soccer team again this season. My question is: do I need to have a conversation with him about what he's doing? Or is he following his nice guy pattern and doing what he does with all his other friends, 99% of whom are girls? Oh BG, share your wisdom with me: should I keep the light on?

--Il Faro

Dear Il Faro,

All that and you found time to be an excellently evocative writer! May your pillow talk, as it were, be an inspiration to everyone still at the SHOUTING stage.

Your point about your managing to spin many precious plates is certainly a fair one. I mean, if Fox really wants a smash hit, they should try Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Tasker!

Then again, his point -- though paaaainful -- may also be fair. As the IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM goes, No one is "too busy" for a relationship...that one really wants. And other people have both dissertations and girlfriends. Kids, too, even. So could it truly have been [the too-painful-to-repeat sentence; want to leave your heart back where it belongs]? OR: was he just -- for some reason -- freaking and flailing?

And is he just freaking and flailing right now? After all, there's a massive difference between realizing he misses you and realizing he's ready to have you back. I don't have enough data to make that call; I guess you don't either. So, sure. Have that conversation. Is he doing dad/boyfriendy things out of guilty Duty, or out of regretful D'oh!? He may not know for sure right now himself, but you should at least check -- because I don't want that "light" to be a dizzying on-again-off-again strobe that leaves you feeling hurlish. And if he seems to want to pull the switch with his hand on yours, then you're going to have to follow BG's guidelines for sensible, stick-worthy reunions. Failing that, you're also gonna have to decide whether you can bear having him around as your platonic lackey; you're entitled to say "no, thanks, Coach." Whether it be him or the next soccer dad, you can -- and should -- hold out for someone with the wherewithal not only to "help with the dishes," but also to spin more than one plate. And maybe even fluff your pillows.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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