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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm in a bit of pickle. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just making things complicated. In brief: I have been dating someone for almost two years. He's 27; I'm 23. He's the ideal boyfriend in so many general ways: he's considerate (most of the time), cooks dinner (most nights), listens to me, and genuinely wants to spend his lifetime in this relationship. Last July, we moved in together. I had just graduated from college and needed to find a place; he needed to get out of his parents'. I was really in love with him.

I still love him, but the longer we live together, the more trapped I feel. I know it doesn't make any sense (my mom is constantly reminding me of this) because he is so wonderful and so RARE a guy. My whole family loves him. On top of this, I have never really had a long-term relationship before. (I was the Liz Phair "Run" type.) Sometimes I think I still am and maybe I just wanted to see what it was like ... to see if I could "do" a relationship.

I do love him, but I am just not happy right now. I want to travel and move and do so many things he doesn't want to. Plus, he really wants to have a family, and I don't. He says he doesn't care, that he'd rather have me than kids, but I don't feel right depriving him of a happy life with kids if I am not happy with him.

Our lease is up in July, and I figured I would just tell him in June or so that I wanted to spend some time alone, that I needed to live by myself again for a while. After all, I am only 23! I keep telling myself this, but the worry that I will never find anyone like him again makes me so nervous! And I really don't want to hurt his feelings. He hasn't done anything wrong. He is no jerk; in fact, he's the opposite! How can I hurt someone I love?? How can I make him understand it's just not the right time, that I still have a lot of adventuring to get out of my system? If only I'd met him when I was 27 ...

But it seems to me that to stay is to give up hope, to say that this is it, this is all one can expect of life: someone who's nice to you. Is there more? My girlfriends sit and whine all day wishing for a guy like mine -- even half of mine -- and here I throw him back? Thanks for any advice you can offer; I'm definitely in a pickle.

-- Cruel Claire

Dear Claire,

Here's the dilly on your pickle:

1. IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: "Good enough" is not good enough.
2. "Someone who's nice to you" is a given, not a plus.
3. The difference between people you love and LOVElove is that you spend almost two great years with one, the rest of your life with the other.
4. "The One" is who you say it is, not a pre-determined person whom you'll miss if you, like, get on the wrong train.
5. You can't "make" anyone do anything, especially "understand" (including your girlfriends). You can only do your sincere best to explain. Beyond that, they (especially your girlfriends) just have to trust that you know what you're doing.
6. God forbid you should date (live with) someone easy to replace.

Yes, there is more. The question anyone in your pickle next needs to ask is: "And can I find it here?" And after careful thought/profound gut feeling, the answer may well be a sad, sincere "no."

If you break things off, he will get the sour half, yes; and that is rotten. But I wouldn't want you trapped in a barrel while something sweet turns to vinegar for you both. That, Claire, would be cruel. Go if you must.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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