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Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We've had our share of fights and disagreements, but this time, I think it's gonna take a act of god to bring us back together again. To make a long story short, I lied to her about stopping smoking and about promising I would never go back to jail or get hooked up with stolen property. See, I have a lot of friends who work at retail stores, and they show me love by giving me a BIG discount on items. Basically, I accept stolen property.

I told her that I was giving up all the hustling for her because I saw that I was slowly tearing her up inside, but after sometime of doing good (legal), something pulled me back in the loop. So I ended up going back to jail.

When I was released, I called her, and she was so filled with anger and pain, she just said couldn't take the heartache, pain, and stress. So now here I sit alone, hating myself for pushing her to do what she did. Breakup Girl, how do I get the woman I love back? The woman whose name I have tattooed on my chest? Please help me because without her, life itself is just not worth waking up for. So do you think you can help? Thank you so much.

-- Slim "Shady"

Dear Slim "Shady,"

Hoo boy. Your letter is like "Scared Straight II: Why Getting Out is Bad Too." And I'm totally sorry that things took this turn, I really am. And I so know that it's hard as hell to quit the kind of things you were trying to. Surely "Aisle 6, Electronics" is the path of least resistance.

But listen. I'm not recommending that you now get involved in some sort of global conspiracy instead, but you can see why she was bummed, right? Not only did you flake, not only did you go back to jail, but … over what? She must have been like, "You'd lose me over … a car radio?!" "Petty," indeed.

My suggestion may seem totally obvious, but it is certainly not easy. You have to stop. You have to stop. If jail didn't learn ya, then take it from your girlfriend's sentence. What will it take? Sorting stuff out with some counseling? Cutting off all contact with the robber barons? You tell me. Needless to say, this is all a good idea no matter what, but only actual change -- complete with evidence -- will get her back.Which is why it may take a while. I get how much you care about her, but it is, sorrowfully, as if you didn't care enough about your life as a whole to not put it at so much risk. So bottom line: figure out a way to make your life worth waking up for on its own. Maybe even simply -- again -- by cultivating friends who show you love in less shady ways. Show her love by making BIG promises you intend to keep.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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