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Dear Breakup Girl,

This is a question about how to escape the stifling stereotype of Niceness. I sometimes have problems with this (like with phone solicitors), but I'm really writing on behalf of my oldest friend, Christie, who had a Minnesota-type upbringing and, as a result, has one of the biggest Nice Person Burdens on record. Basically, as a Nice Person, you can't ever say no (except to sinful, fun stuff). I know men can get trapped in the Nice Guy stereotype, but it's even tougher for women. For a Nice Girl, disobliging anyone in any way seems to make you a "bitch." One consequence is that you end up spending way too much time reluctantly going out with obnoxious egotists or pathetic clingy guys because they keep asking, and you hate to tell them no. (Although I'm a fine one to talk; I'm not even getting asked.)

I'm the first to say you should give a guy a chance and not judge him by an unpolished manner or a lack of first-date chemistry. Nor am I saying there's any excuse for blowing off legitimate obligations -- like to family and long-standing friends -- even if they are tiresome. But I hate to see a wonderful, kindhearted person like my friend get trapped by pity into wasting time with people who have all the appeal of gum on the sidewalk. Plus, a lot of the time these guys aren't even making out-and-out courtship efforts, just lame hangout-y offers that boil down to "Wanna go Dutch to the new Star Trek movie and then stand around for 90 minutes while I shop at Fry's Electronics?" They act hurt when Christie tries to break off contact, saying "Aw, we can be Just Friends, can't we?" but then they toss her an icky pass or even -- once -- an icky proposal.

I should mention that my friend isn't romantically involved with anyone now, so she doesn't have that excuse to give unwanted guys the brush-off. But I think her chances of meeting a good guy are diminishing because dating or trying to dodge these schmoes is draining all her time and emotional energy. What can I do to help out? I may be in touch with my Inner Margaret Thatcher, but I can't just tell a dear friend, "Hey, grow some backbone or quit whining!" If you can use your superpowers to dispel the Curse of Smothering Niceness without invoking Rampant Rudeness, you'd be helping millions of people!

-- Would-be Spine Surgeon

Dear Dr. Spine,

BG's absolute favorite nice-to-a-fault Minnesota expression is "A lotta guys woulda." As in: "Ooh, hey, you know, a lotta guys woulda put that ice cream in the freezer instead of out in the sun."

So --  keeping in mind that no one wants to hear advice they didn't ask for, so this is only if she overtly complains --  you could say, "Ooh, hey, you know, a lotta guys would appreciate being told no sooner rather than later so that they don't feel led on." They may be persistent, but no one can really argue with being let down easy and early. I mean, I completely understand your question, but what part of "saying a kind, firm, and timely 'no' does not make people think you're a bitch?" don't you understand? Just as there's a gentle and clear way for her to do so, there's a gentle and clear way for you to make that suggestion.

Meanwhile, you're clearly a super gal, you know? And your letter is a riot. I'd have thought a lotta guys woulda been asking you out. Wanna write me back about that?

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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