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Dear Breakup Girl,

I found out last week that I have herpes, a parting gift from a once promising almost-relationship (I had been dating him about a month). Part of me is still in the "I can't believe this is happening to me stage," but I guess I am adjusting --   no sense in wallowing in the "Why me?!" that keeps echoing through my head.

I think what bothers me most about this is not the physical problems that come with herpes -- the doctors and I can deal with those -- but the fact that I am really scared that no one will want me this way. I feel dirty, diseased, and slutty. I can't imagine having to bring this topic up to every guy I date, and I can't imagine that many/any of them would stick around after having heard this. I have been off and on single for about three years now, and I was having a hard enough time finding someone pre-herpes. Now, it is seeming more and more impossible. My self-esteem (never wonderful to begin with) has taken a major nosedive, and I am not sure how to deal with it, and the thought of never having a significant other in my life at the age of 26 is really depressing me. Any advice on dealing with this mentally or breaking it to any possible people that I may meet? Right now it is a deep dark secret that only my sister and best friend know about. Telling them was hard enough. Thanks for any and all help.

--  Pariah

P.S. Let this be a message to all of you out there who don't bother with condoms on a consistent basis because your partner "looks" fine and just wouldn't be "the type" of guy/girl to give you anything -- it happens anyway!

Dear Pariah,

Here is the straight dope from an Friend of BG who's been there. "It's not the physical side of the virus that's so rough: that --  relatively speaking -- is dealable. It's the stigma that goes along with any STD, especially with this one because it's incurable. You think you're now cursed with a scarlet H on your chest, but that's not necessarily the case. This is a total bummer, but you can arm yourself with the facts and soldier on.

The best way to start coming to terms emotionally is by educating yourself: one in five adults has genital herpes. Fact. One in five adults. The first time I ever had to have "the talk" with someone, I made a huge speech about being 'damaged goods,' and he stopped me to tell me that his former girlfriend of two years also had it. No biggie. Obviously, that won't happen all of the time --  but the numbers suggest that it might happen more than one might think. And if it doesn't, knowing the real dilly makes 'the talk' easier. You can list the precautions that are necessary and assure your partner that you will discuss with him whenever there is a problem.

I think it's also important for you to think of it, at least in your mind, as what it is: a virus. A virus like any other that comes every now and again and goes away with medicine. This makes it more clinical and less personal. That's a good thing, I think.

The tragedy here is that you think sex life is over at 26 -- but you're totally wrong. Yes, you really need to mention it before having sex with a new partner, but hopefully you'll be having sex only with people with whom you'll feel (relatively) comfortable talking about it. Also, the longer you live with it and realize that it is not at all a part of your daily existence, the easier it will be.

Also, I knew someone who had it when I was grappling with it. This helped immensely as she was a person just as 'responsible' and 'smart' and 'clean' as I was. She helped me realize that I really wasn't so alone --  that, in fact, I was just one out of five. It's a natural response, but you need to do your best to give up the 'I'm cursed for the rest of my life' attitude and find strength in knowledge ... and numbers." Good luck.

Love,
FOBG via BG

 
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