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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a single mom who hasn't been in a relationship for four years. I have been focusing lately on raising men, not dating them! (I have a 10 yr. old.) Recently, I noticed that I'm going on 30 and want to get out there and start having fun and getting some action.

The fun started with hanging with a guy friend of mine. I had been sleeping with him, as he was in a weird relationship with his girlfriend. (I hear strange things about her not only from him but his friends. They say the girlfriend is permanently PMSing, and he has to kick out all of his friends and unplug the phone whenever she comes over to his pad, and all they do is have crazy sex for hours.)

I know it wasn't right for me to get tangled in this and sleep with my guy friend, but we both wanted to get in bed together for a long time. His girlfriend took off to a tropical island "alone" for two weeks. (He could not even call her; she only sent a postcard.) So we had ended up having a fling. Aside from not being able to keep our hands off each other, we talked on the phone for hours.

When his girlfriend returned, he slipped me a note saying that he is really "going through it lately" and that we'd talk soon. We are both stepping back from this messy situation for a few weeks (months?) and have both agreed that he needs to deal with his issues with her, etc., and then we'll talk.

Before we agreed to take a break, I slipped his landlord a money order to pay his rent without him knowing because I knew he was in a financial bind and could really use it. (I know, BAD.) I really did this just to help him out and would (and have) done this for any of my friends who needed it. I find myself always going above and beyond the call of duty for all of my close friends, and I'm beginning to feel like I shouldn't. Obviously, this is something that I need to examine and handle within myself ... soon.

Meanwhile, this guy called another friend of mine (who has no clue that the two of us were fooling around) and bragged that he just had the best sex ever with his girlfriend and tried Viagra, etc. Ugh. How can I heal myself from digging my own hole? Therapy?

--Trying to Get Ya Ya's Out

Dear Trying to Get Ya Ya's Out,

Above and beyond, oh yes. The call of duty, the call of the wild thing, you name it. Messy, messy, messy. If a fling is a fling -- never mind that this is one I cannot excuse in the first place, PMS, BVI, etc. notwithstanding -- you have to treat it as such. Like, you do flingy thingies, not Meaningful Acts. More to that point, someone who slips you an butt-saver note is not someone to whom you slip a bank note. If you are through raising boys, then you've got to quit supporting them, too.

But you knew all that -- somewhere, anyway -- and that's a start. What now? Well, it's splendid to have close friends/boyfriends for whom you'd go to the ends of the earth (bank account). But the key here will be: make sure you find other, truer ways of feeling useful (that's "useful," not "used"). That you trust that folks and friends and flings -- or more, ideally -- will stick around for the you with or without the above and beyond. Whether or not you want to tackle this with a pro is your call. Meantime, I'd step back from this guy for a few geologic ages; shrug it off as your first post-four-year foray. And start working on the trust thing as follows: if you're going to keep do any raising at all, start with your own standards.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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