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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. We're currently both seniors in high school, approaching the time of the year where slightly lower grades and later nights during the week are more acceptable than ever before. One of the occurrences of this period is the prom. My boyfriend and I go to separate schools, so naturally, we have separate proms. I'm timidly eager to attend them. But I'm not as eager as I should be because of issues revolving around last year's proms that still have me tangled in their evil well of "Never Forgets."

Before we ever started dating, I asked him to my prom, and he agreed to go, as friends. After I asked him to my prom, he asked one of his girl friends to his, obviously completely missing the hint that, "Will you go to the prom with me?" really meant, "Do you want to take our friendship to a higher level?"

This is where the issues come up:

1) He found out that he was accepted to a writing conference several states away. This conference happened to be the same weekend as my prom. There was no way out as the rules stated, "If you attend, you must attend for the entire weekend and not leave for any sporting events, proms, etc." This hurt me deeply. After all, he had committed himself to taking me to my prom, but he had applied to the conference before I asked him, so I said, "Go." He went, and I went to my prom alone, sat a table, and tried not to get raccoon eyes from my mascara. I could have had a great time with my friends, except that my friends all had dates or were going with a group of people where at least one person violently objected to my tagging along. Nobody made any effort to talk to me at the dance, and prom is the one night that if you come home early, your parents look at you and say, "What happened?" That was not something I wanted to face.

2) Since he had already asked this other girl to his prom, and even though he had since started to date me, he took her to his prom. He couldn't leave her stranded. This also hurt me deeply, insofar as she slept over his house after. I may have deluded myself with romantic visions of his showing up in his tux after he dropped her off and confessing to me every last detail of the absolute horrible time he had had because I wasn't there, BUT her sleeping in his bedroom on the floor or not, really upset me.

Now, on to the present day: His prom is the first weekend in May, and mine is the first weekend in June. I have my dress, shoes, and jewelry already. In a few weeks, he should start looking for his tux, but he runs outdoor track, and the regional track meet is the day of my prom. As of yet, I'm not sure where it is, but considering he lives a half hour away from me, if the meet is over an hour away from his house by bus, he won't be back in time to go to my prom, but skipping out on it could potentially jeopardize him from running in states. And it is his last meet of his last year of high school.

I've expressed to him how much it hurt me last year that I didn't get a single prom, and that this year it's hurting me because last year's pain is being rehashed in my head over and over again. Furthermore, I keep having ideas that maybe I should cancel out on him so he would have some idea of how it felt, and I'm not too sure I really want to go to my prom this year because it doesn't mean anything to me. I'm only really going because my friend said she would drag me by my hair if I didn't, and she really would.

I'm wondering if I'm being a bad girlfriend by having these evil thoughts, or if it's wrong of me to still be so hurt by the incidents regarding proms last year? And how can I know he'll skip out on the regional track meet if, in fact, he won't be back in time for my prom? And, if he did, would he spend the rest of his life hating me because he couldn't run in states because he had to take me to a stupid dance?

--Dancing Girl

Dear Dancing Girl,

Perhaps especially at this "time of year," people are involved in tons of activities. And activities breed ... conflicts. So -- never mind the pre-asked sleepover girl from yesteryear -- it is unavoidably crap-crap-crappy that all manner of writing conferences and running meets have been standing in your way. And frankly, your boyfriend is -- owowowowow -- entitled to go to them. His last-ever track meet, especially, I can totally understand (there's no "PROM" in "TEAM").

But. Forgive me for sounding flip, but shouldn't you be asking your almost-a-year boyfriend some of these questions? Or shouldn't he have already brought them up with you? Wondering about a tentative date with random see-what-happens new guy, that's one thing. But an almost-a-year boyfriend should have already tried to pick up a few loose streamers and said, "Pooky, this is the worst thing ever, but I have just got to go to that track meet. I am so sorry. May I make it up to you by escorting you to a schmancy dinner before that graduation party? May I take you dancing? Would you wear that fly dress to a dinner I will cook for you at my home ... we'll take pictures and everything?" Heck, even without the bonus make-the-best-of-it Plan B: I just can't fathom why you and your dress, shoes, and jewelry are still waiting in the dark in the first place. You know?

So no, you're not being a bad girlfriend. But you guys aren't being the bestest communicators. Time to schedule a conference/meet with him. Get -- nicely, practically -- the exact dilly on his schedule and his plans, and while you're at it, start to try and get a sense of whether any of the romantic visions you've had will ever break into reality. I'm so sorry. Maybe I'm sprinting to judgment, but I have my doubts. Because: while we can't always trust Calendars not to make trouble, we should be able to trust Relationships to make the best of things. If you can at all other times, then I take that back. But still: you two should rally and plan an alternative of your own.

No matter what happens, I don't want you in the dark that night either. Try and rally if you can. Wear waterproof mascara; treasure -- though I know it's not the same -- your galpal's fierce friendship. Just don't let Breakup Mom see any photos. As far as she's concerned, kids these days -- myself included, mind you -- always look like they really were just dragged by their hair.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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