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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a boyfriend of almost three years. On New Year's Eve, he asked me to marry him. I was delighted. My traditional parents were less than pleased that he did not come and ask for my hand, as is proper. Being stubborn, he refuses to resolve the tension by apologizing or even addressing the issue. Instead it has made him think that perhaps we are incompatible and need not be together. This is not what I wanted. I can't enjoy what should be one of the happiest times of my life because my fiance is considering calling it quits. What should I do? Give him more time to realize that conflict resolution is a key to any relationship? Or call it quits myself? Because if he doesn't see us as important enough to get past this small issue, he may not be there when the going really gets tough. I don't know. I really love this man. Please help.

--TL

Dear TL,

Actually, there are two things that are key to most relationships: (1) conflict resolution, and (2) sucking up to in-laws. Maybe he didn't know they expected to be asked; maybe he knew and chose to rebel against traditional parental authority; maybe ... who knows. But the fact of the matter is that -- while in-laws, like parents, do not have total diplomatic impunity -- as long as it's not really gonna kill you or your integrity, it's in your best interest to at least consider doing what they want. I know that marriage -- especially with its traditional trappings -- symbolizes not being a kid anymore, but still.

Your fiance, however, seems to have turned the (in my estimation, suck-up-able) hand thing into a whole body of issues. If he's choosing this as his battle -- or not rushing to make peace -- that's not such great judgment. If their consternation served as his "Eek! Entering into a perma-relationship with a person and her whole family!" reality check then he needs at least to address that. If this is enough to make him question his commitment, then I question his commitment. And if he won't even dicuss it meaningfully in the first place, then yes, you might want to tell him to talk to the hand.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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