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Dear Breakup Girl,

I was involved with a woman for almost three years. Exactly one year ago, we broke up in the middle of our engagement party. As I went to ask, she told me she loved me but could not go through with it and left. This spectacle happened in front of all our family and friends. I find myself wanting to be with her every day – now more than ever – even after all of this.

The only reason she gave for the breakup was that she was not ready for the intensity our relationship brought. My question is, if I did nothing wrong and she loved me, then why are we not together? How do I move past it?

–Tony

Dear Tony,

At the party?! Oh, man. High drama though that was, and cold comfort though this may be: at least she didn't have her revelation at the wedding, or – way way way worse – after it.

Still, the questions you pose are at the level of, like, Unsolved Mysteries of the Universe. Why, indeed, shouldn't you be together if nothing was Wrong? It is totally and completely no fair. Lordy, do I ever wish I could say, "Well, see, Tony, here's exactly what happened and why it makes sense…" so you could say, "Ah! Gotcha, Breakup Girl! All better! Thanks a mill!" But I will point out that nothing has to be Wrong for someone to want out. Or at least for someone to get massive perma-willies about spending THE REST OF HER LIFE with someone. Could be she thinks you're the bomb, but she just couldn't get you two past The Porch Test. I don't know, Tony. I just can't help thinking of the time an about-to-be-ex said to me "If it's not working for one person, it's not working for either." (Note that he said that in breakupia res and I still had to admit it made complete sense.) So all I can do assure you that if her doubts, reasonable or otherwise, were strong enough to make her bail – in a soap opera spectacle, no less – then she had to honor them. Rather than say "to love and to honor…" with clenched teeth and forked tongue.

Where does that leave you? How, indeed, can you leave this party once and for all? I think first you need to grudgingly, grindingly accept the fact that you may never 100% understand why she bailed. If it’s helpful, however, do invent your own explanation. One that you really do find plausible. I'm serious. It really is as good as any.

As an aside, it might help to notice that you wrote this letter "exactly one year" later. Your heart and mind probably sense the one-year Angstiversary. Result: feelings heightened, but only temporarily.

Otherwise, moving on is an act of two things: Time, and Will. But the former will work – and it truly does – only in combination with the latter. You, Tony, have got to be willing to sweep the floor and fold the chairs. You have to be willing to accept the unexplained as inexplicable and the incomplete as complete. You have to be willing to recognize the difference between wishing it could have been another way and letting it go. Point is, actually, you can do both. And, one year later, it's time. What else to DO-do? The corny-but-true stuff: seek out family, friends, activities; take baby steps toward dating again. Maybe, since it has been so long, check in with a pro as well. Let yourself heal, and you will find your Tina.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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