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Dear Breakup Girl,

Just looking for a little justification for my seething rage. I will try to be concise: I broke up with X last year and after a few months of awkward friendship and rebound sex, I moved out of town. I thought we were on good terms, but things quickly cooled off as he immediately began dating and then living with another girl. I was a bit upset that a) I had been officially replaced and b) we couldn't be friends, but other friends and my family assured me that this was normal behavior; it was too hard for him to keep in contact with me, as he was still pining.

Then eight months later, he invited 90% of my friends and my siblings and parents to his wedding. And they all went, as he assured them that we were on great terms. Meanwhile, I'm out of town preparing to be transferred back, and I receive no official word of the engagement or invitation to the wedding. And when I do move back home, nine days after the nuptials, friends and family tell me that they all went (some of that was a surprise) and that I have no right to be upset as "I broke up with him." One month later, he arranged to get concert tickets for his wife and himself in the same corporate box I was sitting, to see my favorite artist. Strange!

So do I have a right to be extremely upset with:

a) conniving ex-boyfriend of five years
b) disloyal, insensitive relations and friends and
c) strange, overly tolerant new wife?

Thanks for taking the time to sort out this awful situation. The only thing worse than living with this is considering moving back to New York!

–Kelly

Dear Kelly,

A right to be upset? Coming home to find out that everyone except you has gone to your ex's wedding is a nightmare on the order of showing up at the SAT naked and late with no #2 pencil, Or showing up in a New York realtor's office with the job description "FREELANCER." Oh, wait, that was my real life in August 1995.

Anyway, yes, Kelly, this is all – at best –  terrifically tacky. As far as (a) is concerned, well, yeah: he cannot invite everyone but you to the wedding and then invite himself and (c) to see The Favorite Artist in your coporate box. If you two really had a thriving post-relationship friendship to preserve, that would be one thing. Instead, I think you just need to request that he issue no invitations at all, thank you very much. About (c), well, I'm highly tolerant of tolerant partners; it's not necessarily strange. But more to the point, it's not necessarily your business.

I think your real focus needs to be on (b). What were they thinking? I mean look, it's nice when we can all stay friends, several degrees out, even. It's nice when breakups don't result in huge turf wars with gang colors, etc. And I'm not saying it was inherently wrong for them to go. Heck, maybe they thought not going en masse, in some sort of apparent wedding walkout, would make the whole thing, more of a Thing. But for [most of?] them not even to check in with you – and to take his word over (nay, without) yours – strikes me as more than odd. Never mind saying that you, as the dumper, lost your "upset" rights because you cut him loose. That is totally beside the poing. So yes, you are completely within your right to explain to them why you are upset. I hope and trust that you can salvage your friendships/relationships with the truly penitent. And that, since your job description includes the word "CORPORATE," you'll do just fine finding a place to live.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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