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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm in love with a man who is 28 years older than I and used to be my professor. His marriage has been described as "hanging on by a thread," so it is likely that one day soon he will be available. I have been obsessing about him for over a year now and since he is no longer my professor, I can run off with him without getting him into trouble with the University.

I don't know this guy very well; I'm just incredibly attracted to him and love his sense of humor; he is a nice guy. I'm just wondering if there is something wrong with me for wanting a guy so much older. I have to admit that I am very sexually inexperienced and love the idea of an older man who knows what he is doing, but are older men ever interested in virgins? Do they like being "the first" or prefer proper "grown-up" women? I am 25. Obviously being a virgin at this age makes me feel like a complete freak.

Should I let him know that I'm interested? If he is single soon, then how can I get my hands on him? I keep seeing students on TV who have affairs with their professors (e.g.. Ally McBeal), and I keep thinking why not me for a change? How do these girls do it?! Guys my own age don't do it for me anymore since I've met him.

–Lovesick Student With an Older Man Fetish

Dear Lovesick Student,

Are older men ever interested in virgins? Did Brooke Shields star in Pretty Baby? Was Memoirs of a Geisha a bestseller?

So that's a yes, but it's not a Yes, as in Go for it! Here's the problem: "hanging by a thread" his marriage may be. But even when that thread snaps, there are many, many other strings still firmly attached. Coils and gnarls of red tape. Not to mention: this kind of thread, it seems, actually can hang forever. And I so don't want you getting tangled up in vain hope and needless hurt.

Usually, when folks are this caught up in a fantasy, I ask them, well, what gap in reality are you trying to frost over with this yummy fluffy pastry bag of a daydream*? You said two things: (1) guys your own age don't do it for you, and, well, (2) you feel like a freak for not having done it at your age. Enter**: somewhat unavailable Professor Obsession, who occupies and distracts you enough so that you don't even have to deal with all the stuff Sexless (above) does. It's a great out.

No, Lovesick, of course not every sort-of-divorcing 28-years-your-senior professor type is gonna work his deflowering fetish on you and then leave you, wilting, in the dust. But it is, frankly, more likely that you'll find someone willing to treat you fine and to go at your pace — and not think you're a freak, 'cause you're not — in your age group (not to mention in your marital status). So enjoy your crush on this guy, but — as far as sex goes — find a peer lab partner to actually learn from. Do most younger men know exactly what they're doing in the first place? Did Stella get her groove back?

Love,
Breakup Girl

*YOU try writing a column about sex without any inadvertently suggestive metaphors.

** See?

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