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March 13, 2000   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

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Dear Breakup Girl,

For most of college, I dated a very nice guy (not the right guy for me at the end of things, for reasons too melodramatic to get into). We broke up a year ago this month. After that breakup, I went into what my girls call my "swinger mode," generally partying and flirting and going out with a couple of different guys a week, nothing serious.

Graduation. I moved back to my hometown. I jumped into a relationship with Beach Boy during the summer, who still went to my university. He was also a nice guy, but it was long distance, and it always seemed to be party time when we got together, in a way that grew to be more and more destructive, both to the relationship and ourselves. A few weeks later, I had dried out and sobered up enough to realize that during that time, I had made friends only with his friends, who also only partied (and I mean partied, ecstasy, K, etc.). They were fun people who liked the same scene I did; they just liked it a little too much for my comfort. I had to get out of the club scene for a while and do my own thing. The problem was that there was no one to do that with, really. I was confused, tired, and lost my job. I started a retail job to try to at least conquer something and make some money. Not a great time.

So along comes Skater Boy. He, too, had been down the road of partying too much, the rave scene, the whole deal. I had always dug skater boys, being a snowboarding betty myself. He was the antithesis of Beach Boy: where BB was outgoing, SB was quiet and reclusive. While BB liked to go to parties and football games, SB liked hanging out with friends.

So, this group of friends comes along, and we all get along famously. I have loads in common with all of them. We hang out separately from SB, etc. And then the "I love you" on Christmas eve. Tra la la. Happy days. I met his parents; he met mine; I baby-sat his nieces...

And then he needed space. Declared a break.

I declared a breakup. "Break," to me, is too weird, too uncomfortable: the "are we or aren't we" thing. He and I haven't spoken since. The friends and I still hang out. Weirdness abounds because now he's really grumpy and pissing everyone off. I got a new job at a spiffy dotcom, a new apartment, sang some songs, and generally started trying to work on being alone after five years of boyfriendom. Work out the busywork of my head, as one good friend told me.

Then along comes DJ boy, who also has seen the scene. Been there, done that, invited me to Miami to see him and his crew spin. AAAcccckkkkk. But I'm sooo prickly right now about boys, and I told him that. He seems content to be my friend. I guess my question is what to do next?

--Nina, Fulfillment Social Chair


Dear Nina, Fulfillment Social Chair,

What to do? Well, not, say, K. Otherwise, go ahead and feel the natural prickle. Trust the "too weird" feelings you've followed before, and -- when you're ready -- your heart will start spinning again.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS: Oooh! I tried snowboarding for the first time yesterday! Aren't you proud of me? (Unlike Breakup Mom, to whom I just outed my Betty self?)

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