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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm taking a Discrete Math class this semester as a prerequisite for a major in Cognitive Science (which I may declare very soon), and I'm chock full of formal logic right now. So I thought I might try to write a coherent explanation of my romantic situation, or lack thereof. Keep in mind that it was just a year and a half ago that I suffered arguably one of the ugliest breakups in the history of mankind, subjectively speaking.

I don't want to get into a relationship because, as has been previously established, a relationship should be something in which each party acts like him or herself. I don't know how or who I am right now, as my beliefs, behaviors, etc. all seem to be rapidly changing, and the fantasy girl I'd like I don't think I'm quite worthy of yet, at my current state. (I'd like to put on a little more muscle, get rid of a few more inhibitions, etc.) A girl with whom I might get involved now might just be the complement of the current state of my changing personality (not the complement of the person I'd like to be), and since I'm not quite satisfied with myself right now, I don't think I would be satisfied with that girl (as per the theory of matching levels of self-confidence or (in)security), so I might as well wait until I feel secure with myself (i.e. keep working on who I am and one day, when my life has settled down a bit, I'll be ready for that perfect (so to speak) girl).

BG, any holes in that semi-logical train of thought? Am I just making excuses for myself? Reason I ask is because I question my resolve to stay single (for safety's sake), having noticed a girl in my integrative biology lecture who appealed to me in many, many ways. I'm thinking of approaching her casually, but I'm afraid of what my ulterior motives are and what I'm expecting or hoping for or that I'll do something stupid that I'll regret (like get into another unhealthy relationship and end up getting hurt or hurting the other person). What bugs me about this girl is that some of the things that attract me to her I recognize as being qualities reminiscent of my ex-girlfriend (who had a myriad of psychological problems). But to my objective judgment, these attractive qualities have no relation (biconditional, if you will) to psychological disorders, which would mean it's safe for me to try to get to know her.

But do I want to try in the first place?!? There's a huge conflict in me now -- my perhaps hormone-influenced yearnings for an intelligent, broad-minded, attractive girlfriend versus my logical understanding that I need to work on myself first (as per my exposition above). Ah, but these two concerns are not mutually exclusive! Well, ideally, they aren't, but in the Real World with Real time and energy constraints ... Ack! Formal logic SUCKS! Life is complicated. I'm immensely thankful that there are superheroes like you to help us mere mortals out. Thanks, BG.

--Andrew

Dear Andrew,

My pleasure! Now. If you do not feel that you're ready to be with anyone right now, that's totally fine. But save your algorithms and formal logic and objective judgment and and "bioconditional," if you will, for your classes. Your "yearnings" should be "hormone-influenced." ("Chemistry," capisci?) And as far as being "ready" is concerned, take this advice from an M.D.: "There's always a bat mitzvah." You will (should) never be a fixed point, a complete set. Your "yourself" can (should) change and grow while you're with someone, too, remember. You know, as in continuous math.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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