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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and two months. Last year was wonderful, and for Thanksgiving, I took him to my hometown to meet the remainder of my family. That next weekend, he went to his hometown without me. Upon his return, he said that he really needed to talk to me. To my surprise, instead of having two children, he really had four. I was crushed not because of the children, but because he waited so long to tell me.

He pushes the issue by saying that they won't affect me (which I know is false) and that he is ashamed of what he did. Aside from the fact that he lied about something so big, he is wonderful and treats me like a queen. We talked about marriage, but now I'm not sure because I have a serious problem with this lie. He cheated me out of choosing how I wanted to deal with all the drama surrounding his children. I love him, but I'm caught because I don't want him to feel that now that I know the truth, I'm skipping out. What advice do you have?

--LaShonda

Dear LaShonda,

I do hope that there's not some weird Fibonacci -- pun intended* -- sequence going on here, where after being together for 4 years and 4 months you find out he really has 8 kids.

In any case, I certainly understand why you were taken aback. It's not just like he lied and said he was oh, a champion skydiver, just to impress you. He hid a pretty major thing. Two pretty major things.

Which makes me wonder: how? Sure, I can cut him some slack from a Fallible Human standpoint: if h "rounds down at the outset so he doesn't freak you out, then the longer it goes on, the more he's like, "Well, I can't tell her now..." And you do read about these people who have two families and lead a secret double life for years. But it does strike me as strange that he could successfully dissemble for this long. Do you two talk about ... everything? Has he no contact with them? Have they so little effect on him that they don't ... come up? That sort of icks me out just as much. And right, he got what he wanted -- you -- partly by not telling you what all you were getting.

So I want you to know that it would be okay for you to skip out not because you know the truth, no, but because he lied. And because of what the longevity of that lie could suggest about his capacity for profound communication and commitment. Still and all, I do think this one could be get-past-able, if you want it to be. But only if you --with his help -- think you could find it within you not only to step-love twice as many kids, but also to trust him twice as much as ever. And to create a relationship too open for two children to hide in.

Love,
Breakup Girl

* on account of the actual math part of the joke doesn't work at all

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