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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was "with" this guy, let's call him Damian, for approximately a year until we ended what he called our "relationship." Actually, I ended it because it wasn't one in any shape or form (although, years later, he still refers to it as "When we were a couple..."). Ha! A couple of what? Anyway, we remained friends -- GOOD FRIENDS -- for the past four years. We shared almost every major event in his life together (usually because I orchestrated them -- i.e. jobs).

Well, get this! In the summer of '99, he launched a grenade in our arrangement and told me that someone had proposed to him and that he had accepted. Why? Because she said if he didn't become exclusive with her, she was walking and going out with someone else. Fine, our arrangement had to come to an end eventually. He never mentioned her existence to me, his mother, father, or aunts, etc.

Obviously, we had no future for more reasons than one, but here come the questions: why is he still dependent on me for EVERYTHING? And do you not think it is inappropriate for him to tell me "I'm his inspiration" (probably a snowjob)? Can you believe he wanted me to help plan his part of the wedding (I told him that is the kind of input his bride should be giving him), help him make a decision as to a career change, and fix his resume? He constantly calls and whines to me about my not calling him and including him in my life. (Hello, I call not as often but I call.) He essentially still seeks my approval in any move he makes. I've tried to explain to him (you have to wonder why I should need to explain this) that these are the type of things he should be discussing with his fiancee and perhaps he could just bounce it off me. Our mutual friends have asked me to save him from a bad decision, but I don't think it is my responsibility. How do you think I should handle this? Cut him off or support him?

--Not the Bride, Not Even a Bridesmaid

Dear Not the Bride,

Okay, so first you had something that "wasn't a relationship in any shape or form;" for the next four years, it seems, you had a formless, shapeless "relationship." I mean, it's truly lovely (though not "Right" or "Good") when ex-(on paper) lovers can have a meaningful friendship.

But: forms have boundaries. Yep, he's remained way too dependent on you, but it doesn't look like -- until now -- you've been drawing any lines except the graphics on his resume. In any case, you're right -- now -- that not only should his Mystery Fiancee be helping him with these things ( in the sense of both "as opposed to you" and "because that's what fiance/es do"), but also that she will hate you if you lift much more than one finger. Heck, for all I know, he's orchestrating it that way so that she'll leave him in a huff and a puff of taffeta. So no, it's not your job to intervene, but I do recommend that you take some deliberate and definite steps back. He especially -- but both of you, actually -- need to grow... a couple of what?

Love,
Breakup Girl

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