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Dear Breakup Girl,

John and I have been together for two years. I recently realized that I have developed that Loving Feeling for him. When I shared this with him, he said he loved me back. However, he "took it back" two weeks later, citing everything from the fact that he was afraid of the word to his not being ready yet to get married. (My poor little man has only been in two serious relationships.)

I was obviously upset and obsessed over this. Several weeks after he "took it back," I finally explained to him that love does not equal wanting to get married. However, he still insists that he's afraid of the word. So, when I said I wanted more and was leaving, he grabbed me passionately and said he was taking back his take back. I told him no, he could not do that.

Now, we are talking again, but things aren't quite the same. Should I just bail or should I give him time? He knows how I feel, and I think if he doesn't feel the same, why the hell have I been dating him this long?

--Lisa

Dear Lisa,

He wanted to take back his take back? Isn't it supposed to be "bring" back that Loving Feeling? Ah, well. Here's what I think happened: (1) You said it, (2) he went with it, (3) he freaked, (4) you threatened to leave, so (5) he re-freaked. So what to do? Well, I'd try to take the pressure off Those Three Words by expanding the surface area of the issue. That is: never mind three little words; it's been two long years. Are you content and delighted to live and love (as opposed to "I love") as is? Or, in your life, are you looking for someone to marry? If the latter, you might want to do a gentle check-in at some point -- like, as far as g-g-g-g-getting m-m-m-married someday, can he at least see it maybe maybe maybe, even when you're not threatening to leave? Otherwise -- if you can stand it -- you might consider stepping back to see if he might be a Tiler. As long as you promise that all his other actions speak Feelings, the love, the "I love," -- not to mention the "to love and to cherish" -- might develop unaided. Again: if you can wait. However long you say.

I'd caution you, though, to note that the fact that he's had "only two serious relationships" doesn't mean ... well, anything. As you see from the above, there's no set number or critical mass of experiences that automatically mean we know what we're doing. Arguably, if he'd had more "serious" relationships -- that ended -- you'd have equal/different reason to worry. So trust your gut -- not his prerequisites -- about what, if anything, it'll take to get that Loving Feeling back.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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