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Dear Breakup Girl,

The story starts out fairly simply. Boy meets girl. Boy goes out with girl. Happy, loving relationship develops between boy and girl, and continues for (at last count) almost three years. Boy and girl laugh together, are silent together, and generally love being together.

BUT this is the first relationship for said boy (even though both are meandering through their mid-twenties at this point). And so, although boy and girl have discussed the kind of wedding they would like, the kind of marriage they would like, and the ways they'd like to raise their children, they have made no moves in that direction. Although they have agreed that they WOULD marry each other, they have never determined that they WILL do so. In fact, just last week, the boy said with great confidence that they WOULD eventually breakup, not because of any deficiencies in the relationship, but simply because it was his first, and it would be unwise to commit to one's first relationship.

This leaves girl in an awkward position...

I've tried the "porch test" and can't imagine myself with anyone other than this boy. But I don't want to let three years stretch into five, and then ten, and never move the relationship in any direction. I do ultimately want to get married ... not now, but someday. I want kids somewhere in that time frame, too. And right now, the only visible obstacle to moving in that direction is that the boy of choice hasn't done as much window shopping as he'd like.

There was a time when I would've thought that was pretty lame. But friends who ARE married -- who got married in spite of it being that boy's first relationship --are now experiencing major trouble. They are really struggling. And while I don't think it being a "first relationship" is insurmountable, I do have to recognize that it's an issue. And when mid-life crisis time rolls around, it could be an even bigger one.

I've suggested seeing other people, so boy can discover whether he really loves me or just loves having a girl around. He's not interested in seeing anyone but me. I've suggested breaking up now, rather than dragging things on any longer if he KNOWS that marriage isn't an option for us, but he doesn't want to do that either. And he's not willing to take a chance on the relationship without having dated others.

Where do I go from here? I'm happy in the relationship, and would like it to continue. But I don't want that at the expense of a more long-term relationship in my life. It seems silly (not to mention agonizingly painful) to break up with someone I still want to be with. It seems equally silly to keep dreaming about a future with someone who has very bluntly stated that it's not going to happen. HELP!

--Lee

Dear Lee,

Let’s say you’re in med school. A really good med school. You love med school. Not everyone gets such a challenging but wonderful opportunity, and you don’t go a day without appreciating that. Med school is great.

But actually, you want to be a lawyer. You do not want to be a doctor. You feel ridiculous throwing away this amazing situation -- and boy oh boy will you miss everything about it -- but at the end of the day/eight years, will it get you where you want to go?

Boyfriends are not careers, I know (certain "mergers" notwithstanding). And I am not telling you unequivocally to leave this guy. I am just trying to illustrate why it would not be ridiculous if you did.

If you’d written to say, "Neither of us finds planning on marriage relevant in the first place, so we’re completely content as is," …well, you wouldn’t have written. But Lee, what you have here is the kid-free version of "s/he wants to have kids, and I don’t." If someone tells me that at the end of the day/child-bearing years, s/he wants kids more than a (that) partner, I say – in gentler terms -- go where you can get the kids! If you want that "law degree"/life partner, it’s perfectly fair to go where you can get that.

Easy for me to say, I know. Well, actually, it’s not. I mean, I really, really want this guy to be a Tiler: committed in all forms except verbal promises for the future – but, once left to his own devices, steady and solid as grout. While there’s plenty of historical/high-school-sweetheartical precedent for The One being the Only One, it’s not unreasonable -- nor unwise -- for him to want what he wants, either. I’m not convinced that either waiting or pushing or ultimating can – or should – change his mind or, verily, the facts: he doesn’t plan on marrying "his first." Also, what you didn’t say is "What if…?" You didn’t say, "What if I’m throwing away something that would work out and become permanent, with just a little patience and elbow grease?" You basically said, "Well …I can see what he means."

Finally, I know you can’t imagine anyone else with you on that porch. But that’s not quite how the test works. It’s a guide to see whether or not you could envision yourself with a particular person, not a challenge to see if you can force the image of someone you don’t even know yet to jump Gump out of nowhere into this guy’s rocker.

So again, I’m not saying you have to bail yesterday. But you don’t have to wait for breaking up to be okay with him, either (see your second to last paragraph). (Also, if "seeing other people" is going to work in this case, they can’t be just, like, a side of fries.) This is a reeeeeeeal tough one, Lee, I know. That’s why I’d let your inner lawyer handle it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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